Wine Poached Pears and TFN's Unintended Hilarity

You know, if I keep this up, people might get the impression I'm getting back in the groove.  It just might happen.  I am actually going to be making something for the first time in two weeks over the weekend, first for a barbecue and then I'm doing a dinner party Sunday, so we will see if I somehow lost whatever instinct I may have in Mexico.  I remain hopeful.

This was a dessert we also had in Manzanillo... This recipe is a combination of what we could discern from the staff with a little help from Epicurious.

Pretty, huh?

What you need:

4-6 peeled pears ((look for Bosc or Anjou))

1 1/2 cups of red wine ((I maintain you can use table wine or something you may not especially care for))

3/4 cups of granulated sugar

2 tablespoons of lemon juice 

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 teaspoons of cinnamon

What to do:

Add everything but the pears to a sauce pan and bring to a boil.  Once boiling, take the heat down to a simmer ((small bubbles)) and add the pears.  Simmer them for 10 or so minutes WITHOUT STIRRING.  ((Sorry about the yelling, but I know how you people are.  Fidgety.  That's how you are.  Fidgety.))  Turn the pears and continue simmering for another 8-10 minutes.  They are done when the pears are tender and forkable.  ((You remember forkability, right?  Right.))

Remove the pears from the pan and set aside to allow to cool.

Crank the heat back up and boil the wine sauce.  Keep boiling it until the total amount in the pan is cut in half.  ((That's called making a reduction.  Feel free to gloat.))

Arrange pears for serving and drizzle with the sauce.  If you are trying to impress someone or maybe even just impress yourself, top with marscapone, creme fraiche, or Devonshire cream ((not pictured.))

*****

That reminds me...  This morning I turned on the Food Network for some background noise/distraction.  There was some super cheesy ((not literally)) show on about making a romantic dinner.  The host/demonstrator then says something to the effect of, "Feel free to romance yourself, too!"  I almost lost a lung I was laughing so hard.  ((HI DEB.))

Bloody Mary Salad, My Salad Soulmate, and Memorial Day Weekend

So yesterday I went on a rant about how I had discovered my salad soulmate and as promised, here you are.  This, my friends, is a new high in lows.  Bloody. Mary. Salad.

What you need for about 4 side servings:

4 tomatoes, chopped
2 stalks of celery, chopped
1/4 cup of red onion, chopped
2 tablespoonsWorcestershire sauce*  ((damn is that hard to spell))
2 tablespoons vodka ((yep))
1 tsp celery salt
fresh cracked pepper
squeeze of lime

Drink your salad:

Throw everything in a bowl, mix it around, cover and refrigerate for at least a couple of hours.  Now, if there are going to be kids around, it would behoove me to tell you to leave out the vodka ((I know, it's just a little)), but you do as you please.

There are several recipes posted for this ((once I heard of it and started googling,)) but this is based on the way I make a bloody mary.  There are tons of things you could add based on typical garnishes for the drink:  pickled peppers, cocktail onions, pickled asparagus, BACON, pepperoni, etc etc etc.

*I used way more Worcestershire because I love it almost as much as Patrick Swayze.  Almost.

*****

It's Memorial Day weekend.  Be a peach and in between enjoying your long weekend and relaxing, take a moment to remember why we have this weekend, wouldya?

Margarita Chicken, Reorganizing, and Mischief

I'm back.  Well, I didn't really go anywhere, but regardless, I'm back.  After a long day on my feet on Sunday cooking for the Mothers' Day French Ambition Tour and a repeat of that Monday morning, I declared Monday afternoon/evening a work-free zone.  All I did during that 12 hours was finish two freelance projects, research what we are referring to as the World Domination Project ((evil laugh here,)) and have a text conversation about absolutely nothing which required in excess of 50 sent messages.  Time well spent.  

The seemingly never-ending political campaign ended last night with the victory toasted with Roger Clyne's Mexican Moonshine.  ((Only four people were being actively babysat after said toast, so that's a decent ratio.))  It got me thinking...  we should make tequila lime chicken.  Alas, my plans were slightly thrown off course when I discovered I didn't actually have tequila ((which if you have seen my bar that should lead to a major, "What? The? Fuck?"))  SkinnyGirl Margaritas to the rescue.

SkinnyGirl Margarita Chicken

What you need:

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

1/4 cup of my personal hero Bethenny Frankel's SkinnyGirl Margarita

1/2 cup of orange juice

1 huge squeeze of lime

Dashes of the following: sea salt, chili pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, dried parsley, and black pepper

What to do:

Place the chicken breasts in a glass bowl, stab it repeatedly with a fork ((you can mutter your ex's name, your boss's name, or whoever's name while you do this for free therapy points,)) and then dump everything else in.  Mix it around a little of that the meat is covered with a little bit of everything.  Cover with some form of cling wrap and refrigerate for at least a half an hour, but as long as overnight.  

When you are ready to eat, preheat your grill on at maximum heat.  When it is really fracking hot, throw the breasts on the grill and let them sear on BLAST ((a real setting, remember?)) for one minute on each side.  Reduce the heat to a nice medium and let cook for approximately 4-5 minutes on each side.  Do not flip them a million times!  After the searing, once is seriously enough.  Over-flipping is what dries them out.  Stop it.  Also, no re-marinating!  Once it is on the grill, it is marinated enough.  Adding more marinade just increases your contamination risk.  Feel free to sprinkle on more spices if you like though.  That's allowed.

Grilling times will vary based on how hot your medium is and how big your breasts are.  Ahem.  ((I can't help myself.  Every single time.  I'm such a child.))  Test them with a meat thermometer ((I never do this, I like to live dangerously)) or slice into the thickest part of one to check for doneness.

This is delicioso as is, or you can top it with a little bit of shredded Mexican cheese, some diced avocado, tomato and/or chopped cilantro.  I'm doing pinto beans on the side, but black beans or even refried beans ((if you hate your waistline)) would be good additions.  

Nutritional Info:  For a 4 ounce serving of chicken, approximately 230 calories and 5 or so grams of fat.  Win!

*****

This is probably of interest to almost no one, but I recently reorganized my kitchen and it has reduced my aggravation about a gzillion percent.  Now keep in mind, I cook every day, frequently for more than a couple of hours and twice a week or so, in 8 hour spurts.  However, if you are frustrated with never being able to find the spices you want or if you can't reach the olive oil you use 4 times a week, move it!  It seems like a chore, but really, it only takes a couple of minutes.  The things you use the most need to be in your reach.  Make your life easier!

*****

Lately a lot of people have been asking for quick, light recipes.  I aim to serve, so stay tuned!  

*****

I'm off to get re-blondified and then create a little mischief...  

Rum and Coconut Banana Bread, TJ Terrors, and Mother's Day

I'm sure all of your children are complete angels, but Christ on a crutch, if you are one of the assholes who lets them run around Trader Joe's with those little miniature carts when the place is PACKED as they are screaming bloody murder and you are immersed in a ridiculously loud cell phone conversation, I will never speak to you again.  The produce section is not the bumper car area.  GAH.  I had to get that off my chest.  ((Yes, I know the obvious answer is that I'm the idiot who chose to go there on Saturday afternoon, but some things can't be helped.  Not. My Fault.))

*****

An incident such as that requires baking therapy.  Wait.  Strike that.  More boozy baking therapy.  Let's do rum and coconut banana bread.  This recipe came from My Baking Addiction and just seemed like a really good idea.

Not the most photogenic stuff, but ohmygod, you should smell it...

What you need for one loaf:


2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup light brown sugar, slightly packed
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3 tablespoons dark rum  ((I should admit right here that the pourer fell out of the bottle as I was measuring over the mixing bowl and there might be more.  Oopsiedoodle.))
2 1/3 cups mashed overripe bananas (about 4-5 bananas)
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut

What to do:

Preheat the oven to 350 and butter and flour a loaf pan.  ((WTF does butter and flour mean?  Here's how I do it.  Take a stick of butter and hold it in a paper towel.  Rub it all over every surface of the pan.  It doesn't have to be shellacked, but get a good layer on there.  Then take a little scoop of flour and put it in the pan.  Shake that bastard around so the flour coats the bottom and the sides.  Then turn it upside down over the sink and tap out the excess.))

Using your mixer, combine the butter and the brown sugar until it is light and fluffy.  This will take about two minutes.  Add the eggs, vanilla, rum and bananas and combine well.

((At this point, you are going to think this crap looks terrible.  It has a weird consistency prior to adding the dry stuff.  It's fine.  Don't worry about it.))

In a large bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon.  Using a rubber spatula, add the flour concoction to the mixing bowl with the banana stuff in it.  It will take some muscle to get this mixed together because you are doing it by hand, not with the mixer at this point.  Pay attention.  Be sure you are scraping the hell out of the bottom and the sides.  Finally, fold in the shredded coconut.

Pour it into your loaf pan and bake for 60-65 minutes or until a toothpick or cake tester comes out clean.  Cool it on a rack in the pan.  It will tip out easily once it is cool.  If you live in the desert, I highly recommend storing it in a baggie in the refrigerator.  If you don't, well, you are on your own.  The fridge couldn't hurt though.

Nutritional Info:  Booze calories don't count.  Oh wait, that's not right.  If you cut this into twelve pieces, I would call it about 250 per slice.  Yikes.

*****

Not sure if you knew, but Mother's Day is tomorrow.  Or maybe today depending on when you read this.  Or maybe it was six months ago if you are just catching up.  Hi person in the future!  I've taken on quite an undertaking for dinner tomorrow.  Let's just say I've already spent two hours on it today between making marinades, chopping veggies, making pastry creme, and making a blackberry reduction ((which I'm thinking would be AMAZING on pancakes.  Or crepes.  YES, FUCKING CREPES.  Great, now I have to make crepes tomorrow in addition to everything else.  I hate it when I have excellent ideas.))

Happy Mother's Day!      

Grand Marnier Souffle with Creme Anglaise, Slobberloaf (tm), and Laundry Lists

There is a raging storm outside...  It's the desert, so I'm sure it will last all of ten minutes max.  However, it is a distinct Phoenix phenomena that when it rains, every six months or so, we all go stand outside and stare at it and immediately turn into the biggest driving wimps on the planet.  I have driven in pure white-out blizzards, on black ice, and in six feet of snow and there is no way in hell I am going out in a little rain here.  Although I will say, my ability to drive in snow has completely disappeared as well, so maybe I don't actually have a point.  Disregard.

Today in an attempt to be as completely random as possible, apparently, I embarked on two very distinct cooking projects:  Grand Marnier Souffles with Creme Anglaise and ... well ... Slobberloaf.  I'll explain.  I was contacted by a business in downtown Phoenix about providing my dog treats for their customers.  The treats were such a hit, that they then wanted to know if I could do entrees.  Accordingly, Slobberloaf is an entree for dogs.  It is essentially the same as a regular meatloaf you would make for yourself, but without all of the spices.  However, as I placed several pounds of ground beef and fresh vegetables in the oven, no shit, I could actually hear my father's voice say, "JESUS CHRIST!  WHAT THE HELL?!"  If he weren't already gone, this would have killed him.  Of all the bullshit I have pulled in my life that he found offensive, this is the ultimate insult.  Anyway, I actually have four mini-loaves and the assorted roasted vegetables in the fridge to be delivered to my testers once this sky explosion stops.  I freely admit that while this was cooking, I decided I was trying a bite.  It's good!  And oh my God, Kirin, my chow/retriever mix, lost her damn mind.  I have a very firm rule about No Dogs in the Kitchen and I couldn't peel her away.  I think this is going to be a hit.  Check it out:

Ground beef with potatoes, carrots, and celery

I'm positive that I could have passed this off as a regular recipe and no one would have known the difference.  I'll see what my test subjects have to say and if they all agree, these will be for sale shortly!

My other project is part of my French Ambition Tour.  As I have mentioned, I recently read My Life in France ((Julia Child's life story of her years in Paris)) and received Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  This has inspired me to attempt to learn to make some things which frankly, I can't pronounce, but what the hell. I'm planning to make the souffles on Sunday for Mother's Day, but decided I really should give them a test run.  I think they turned out really well, especially for a first try.  I am also now a pro when it comes to separating eggs.  Here are some pics:

Immediately out of the oven

Yum

Glorious

With the Creme Anglaise

I managed to restrain myself and only had a couple of bites of one.  It really is tragic they don't keep.  Although, I can admit I had a piece of the edge of one an hour later and yep, still good.

In other non-cooking news, I have finished the coursework for my personal training certification and now just need to devote 5-6 hours to taking the online exam.  I have also been hired to do two freelance articles which I am really, really excited about.  Tomorrow I am delivering the menus I constructed to the Bed and Breakfast that is interested in using me.  There is so much going on that it is scaring the shit the out of me.  My twitch is back.

It appears the rain is subsiding a little, so I'm going to go deliver the Slobberloaves....  Credit for the name to my Cousin Cecily who said she had heard it referred to as such, but Google didn't corroborate that.  I'm taking the name.  I dig it.

Project Cupcake, Cinco Links, and Micheladas

I had a momentary lapse from my Cinco de Mayo posting schedule because I took a cupcake order on a slightly short turn-around...  I ended up making Red Velvet/Cheesecake Marbled Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting and Orange Zest; Cherry Coke Float Cupcakes with Whipped Cream and Maraschino Cherries, and Brown Butter Cupcakes with a Girl Scout Samoa Coconut Topping.  The party is being held at what I think is one of those indoor trampoline places...  I'm not sure how it can go wrong with a bunch of really rich cupcakes, trampolines, 30-year olds acting like kids, and a can of Reddi-Whip for the Coke Floats.  I should hide a video camera in the cupcake courier thing.  I have a feeling this is going to be hilarious.

Here's what I ended up with:

Pretty huh?  Don't worry, I am signed up for cupcake piping lessons with a professional cake decorator.  In my defense, those are the red velvet cake and cheesecake marbled ones so the surface is not even.  But they taste DELICIOUS, so I'm not concerned.  Furthermore, I really don't think anyone cares.

Anyway...  Since I didn't want you all to feel I had deserted you, I've complied everything you could possibly need for your Cinco de Mayo celebration tomorrow...  Just click on the handy links...

Appetizers:
Salad and Dressing
Tomatillo Salsa
Shrimp Salsa
Seven Layer Dip

Main Dishes:
Shrimp Tacos
Beef Enchiladas
Chicken Enchiladas

Sides:
Spanish Rice

Desserts:
Sopapilla Cheesecake
Mayan Fudge Cupcakes

Drinks:
Sangria

You know what else is good for Cinco de Mayo?  Micheladas.  Where I'm from, they call a Bud Light ((or whatever)) mixed with tomato juice a Red Beer.  This is a slightly spicier version.

Fill your mug/glass/swimming pool halfway with a cold, light beer.  Fill the glass the rest of the way with Clamato.  Add a squeeze of lime, a dash of tabasco or other hot sauce, a dash of soy sauce, and a couple of shakes of salt.

*I make them half beer/half juice.  I googled around ((that's a verb)) to see if that was "right" and most are saying like 1/4 beer, 3/4 tomato juice.  EFF THAT.  That's ridiculous.  Do it my way.  Bunch of lightweights.  ((Mutter mutter.))

*****

All right.  I'm apparently having a garage sale tomorrow so I should probably do something about that...

Happy Cincoing!

Sangria, Shows, and Sugar Highs

The brunch and trunk show can be deemed a success!  I think I had about 30 people here for brunch and some day-drinking by the pool while shopping.  As previously mentioned, I had gone on a massive bake-a-thon to sell baked goods and promote my new venture; Tammi brought jars of preserves, apple butter, and some of her crocheted items; Allie brought her Elodee headbands and hair clips; and Brandi had jewelry.  Everyone thought it was a great idea and a good way to get together.  I will definitely be doing it again.

*****

It is HOT.  I think we hit 105 today.  You know what that means:  It is officially pool time in Arizona.  While I understand the allure of a cold beer by the pool, sometimes you need something a little fancier.  Today, I made white wine sangria.

Previously described as summer in a glass...  Also pictured, fresh limeade.

What you need:

One LARGE bottle of white wine
Diet Gingerale
Various Fruits  ((suggestions:  orange, lime, strawberries, grapefruit))

How to:

When shopping, look for the biggest and probably the cheapest bottle of white wine you can find.  I found Barefoot Pinot Grigio in a 1.5 liter bottle for 7 bucks so I went with that.

The night prior, pour the wine into a glass pitcher.  If you are using a normal person sized bottle, it will only fill one pitcher about halfway and you will really feel ripped off.  I split the 1.5 liter into two separate pitchers.

Cut up various kinds of fruit.  You can really use anything that you have.  In the pic above, I used oranges, limes, frozen raspberries, and strawberries.  For today ((pictured below)), I used oranges, strawberries, lemon, and kiwi.   ((I intended to throw in some mango, but they were past their prime.))

Take the fruit and squeeze the living bejeezus of it into the pitcher.  You can also take a wooden spoon and smash the hell out of it in the pitcher as well.  This will not result in the prettiest presentation though.  If you want it to look more "polished" or something ((I can't come up with a better word)) don't smash it, just throw it in.  Refrigerate overnight, covering the top of the pitcher with a piece of saran wrap.  I usually secure it on with a rubber band as well since for some reason saran wrap doesn't always seal that tightly.

The following day, fill the pitcher the rest of the way with diet gingerale.  Give it a few stirs and add a few handfuls of ice.  Done!  Some people add more sugar to it, but I think that is completely unnecessary.  We are sugary enough.  I'm drawing the line.  

Here's a kind of crappy picture that I took today:

Both of these pitchers disappeared within about an hour, so I'm going to assume they were good!  ((I personally was into the strawberry vodka lemonade which was also really fracking good.))

*****

Okay kiddos.  It is time to get serious.  I have 60 days to pull my act together so here we go: CLEAN LIVING.  No more risottos.  No more cheesecake.  No more sugar bombs.  Oh who am I kidding?  I'll still be making that stuff for other people, so there will still be some treats around here.  BUT, you can also expect more healthy, yet still interesting and flavorful recipes.  In the mean time, cheers!

 

Appetizers, Artists, and Assembly Lines

I've been quiet for the past couple of days ((well, here at least, I'm actually never *that* quiet)) because I was getting ready for the event at the gallery last night.  It went really well-  I suspect there were upwards of 200 people who came through the show.  Here is the menu: fruit platter with a cream cheese/marshmallow dip, veggie platter with a dill dip, bourbon-soaked grapes with walnut goat cheese, salted cucumber slices with a Mediterranean feta spread, Caprese salad skewers, a brie platter with baby heirloom tomatoes and kalamata olives, and garlicky parmesan spinach and artichoke dip with baguette slices and crackers.

I enlisted the help of one of my dear friends the day prior because this project entailed a LOT of chopping and assembly.  The word "lot" in all capital letters doesn't even begin to cover it.  This was definitely labor-intensive, but it turned out awesome.  Here's the full array:

To the far right of those pictures is the bourbon grapes.  This actually a fairly easy project ((in most regards)) and was probably the most popular item.  I got this idea off of Pinterest ((be my friend there!  User name is Julia Steele.))

As I was assembling these, I renamed them Jules' effed up cake pops...

Ingredients:

Bourbon ((as cheap as you can get))
Grapes
Goat cheese
Walnuts

((I haven't included proportions, because this really varies...  Get one package of each and keep going until the goat cheese is gone.  If you have leftovers of the others, you can use them for something else.))

All you do is wash and remove the grapes from the stems and place them in a good sized piece of tupperware.  Pour the bourbon over until all of them are submerged.  Use the cheapest, and likely most disgusting, bottle you can find.  It had better be plastic and it should probably be dusty.  I bought a handle for something like four dollars!  ((I'm going to use the leftovers to strip some paint later.))  Be sure to seal it tightly and then let them marinate for at least six hours, but as long as two days.  ((You may want to use red grapes for this.  I used green and I was afraid they were going to turn color with the alcohol.  There was just a tinge at the point where the stem had been removed.  Totally fine, but red/purple might be prettier.  Just saying.))

To make the cheese balls, first deal with the walnuts.  You can crush them by putting them in a baggie and then taking a rolling pin to it or in my personal favorite way, by stomping on them and maybe re-enacting a dance routine you made up to a Tiffany song in the 6th grade.  You can then toast them lightly by placing them in a small pan over a medium-high heat for 4-5 minutes.  ((You can also buy them pre-toasted at Trader Joe's and probably other places too.))

Start rolling up the goat cheese.  Roll it between you palms to make small balls.  ((Ours were pretty small, mainly because we were trying to stretch the cheese and get as many skewers as possible.))  Then roll the ball in your crushed up walnuts and smash them in a little bit so they don't all fall right back off.  This is going to be messy, consider yourself warned.

If you attempt to skewer them right now, you will discover that goat cheese does NOT cooperate with skewering.  It falls right apart.  I ended up putting them in the freezer for about 3 hours to get them skewerable ((<---not a word.))  If you attempt to skewer them immediately after removing them from the freezer, you will also find them to not be skewerable and you might stab yourself with the skewer.  However, they soften up FAST.  Within ten minutes they should be a decent consistency where you can insert the top of the skewer into them.  As pictured, I layered two of the grapes with one cheese ball.  Keep them refrigerated until you are ready to serve them.  I actually put the entire tray back in the freezer for about two hours.  The grapes didn't freeze due to the booze in them, but they were nice and cold when I put them out.

The extra grapes were immensely popular.  I'm pretty sure a few people had the equivalent of a full drink in grapes.  I'm not judging.  I might have been encouraging it.  They also went really well with the fruit dip.

*****

Here are some other pictures from the show:

Naked Caprese Salad Skewers

Caprese Salad Skewers Dressed with Balsamic and Parmesan

Brie with Baby Heirlooms and Kalamatas

Salted Cucumbers with Mediterranean Feta Spread

Fruit Platter with Dip in a Mini-Watermelon

Spinach-Artichoke Dip with Parmesan

*****

I'll go over some of the other items later, but for now, I am going to finally go finish drying and putting away all the serving pieces and then take an evening off!  It is so close to being Pool Time in AZ that I can smell it.

Happy Weekend!

1,000 Treats, Five Alarms, and The Threat of Salsa

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*****

Today has been INSANE!  As I mentioned yesterday, last night I was cooking for a party for about 15.  Everything went really well with the food, but during the course of the evening, one woman mentioned that an organization she is affiliated with was doing gift bags for about 100 people on Monday and did I want to donate my organic dog treats and could I do it in about 18 hours?  Well, of course, I do!  I rallied the troops, went to the supermarket when it opened, and we cranked out just under a thousand dog treats in about six hours.  My own dogs have greatly enjoyed cleaning up the floor and I'm out to deliver them in a few minutes.  While this certainly isn't the most intellectual thing I've ever done, I have to admit, it is really, really fun.  AND you feel like you really accomplished something when it is finished.

We might have had a couple of these to keep the assembly line flowing smoothly.

*****

Tonight, post-St Patrick's Day dinner and the delivery, I'll be working on finalizing an application we are submitting to The Food Network!  While I realize this is a long shot, just working on it and dreaming about it is so, so good for what ails me.  We do have a team tag-line:  We are five-alarm badasses.  Five.  

*****

Okay, tomorrow we will do some recipe-ing.  There is salsa in our future.

Hi, "My Drunk Kitchen," and Live Action Cooking

Just really quickly wanted to drop in and say hi, so "Hi!!!!"  ((Waves vigorously.))  That's another dumb joke that originated on FB that I no longer remember the details of.  I really should look into whatever that herb is that improves your memory but I can't remember what it is called.  Argh.

I'm off to do a party for ((I think)) 15 or 20.  And we are doing it LIVE.  Meaning, I am cooking there and people will theoretically be watching.  Don't tell the host or any of the guests, but I've never attempted any of the three dishes I am doing.  It is not terribly unusual for me to take things to events or serve things in my own home that I've never attempted before without an opportunity for a do-over, but typically then there are no witnesses to the various, "OH SHIT"'s, "Oh well"'s, and the "WHOOPS, eff it"'s.  This could be very entertaining.  I'll be sure to make the wine pours heavy just in case.  Someone should really take video.  It might look a lot like this:

Anyway, I'm making baked artichoke cups ((involves wonton wrappers which I predict I will have a terrible time separating, just a hunch)), three cheese roasted veggie pizzas, and a strawberry amaretto pastry.  We shall see how they turn out.

Wish me luck!  

Guinness, Cupcakes, and Well, Guinness Cupcakes

I was asked yesterday if I have any recipes for St. Patrick's Day.  I am pretending that I was not racially profiled based on the fact that I can get sunburned from a 40 watt bulb.  That's okay.  I wear SPF 1,000,000.  It sort of helps.  But not really.

The first thing that came to mind was corned beef and cabbage, but let's face it, most people are going to head right for the beer...  I was tempted to write up my green beer recipe which is very intricate.  It involves one beer and a few drops of green food coloring and then a long discussion about how the food coloring gets everywhere and generally creates a big Irish temper tantrum-worthy mess...  But let's go right for the Guinness, shall we?  We shall.  No playing around.

A lot of people, mainly chicks ((I can say that, I am one)), think Guinness is too strong.  Well, even if so, when added to chocolate, it is completely and totally and utterly and some other superlative YUM.

What you need:

1 12 oz bottle of Guinness Stout ((you may drink the rest of the bottles, you're welcome))
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3 large eggs
3/4 cup sour cream
3/4 cup unsweetened dark cocoa
2 cups sugar
2 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

What to do:

CHUG.

Preheat the oven to 350.

Prepare your muffin tins either by buttering them, spraying them with cooking spray, or using paper liners.  I prefer to butter them.  The easiest way to do it is to take a paper towel, drag it through the butter and then rub it around on the tin.  I'm not saying it's pretty, I'm saying that's how I like to do it.

In a large bowl, mix together all the wet stuff:  the Guinness, milk, oil, and vanilla and then beat in the eggs one at a time.  ((I have decided I am going to emphasize the egg beating in one at a time thingy each and every time.  If I weren't so lazy, I would google why this is important because all these recipes I read make a big deal out of it.  Consequently, so will I.  For no apparent reason.))  Finally, mix in the sour cream.

In a separate large bowl, mix together the dry stuff: cocoa, sugar, flour, and baking soda.

Gradually add the dry to the wet and combine well.

Scoop the batter into your muffin tins using a 1/4 cup measuring cup.  Fill them about 2/3's of the way full.

Bake for 25-30 minutes OR until they rise and are "set" in the middle, but not as hard as rocks.  ((Meaning, it shouldn't look like pudding any more.))

Let cool completely before removing from the tins or you will have a bunch of broken cupcakes and be really unhappy with yourself.

FROSTING!  ((The best part))

1 stick of SALTED butter at room temp
1 stick of UNSALTED butter at room temp ((this is low-cal, huh?))
1/2 cup shortening ((OhmyGod, sorry))
1 tablespoon vanilla extract ((it would be splendid if you had the clear kind, but if not, no biggie))
1 1/2 pounds powdered sugar
4 tablespoons of fricking cold milk.  Not just cold.  Fricking cold.

Cream the butters ((plural)) and the shortening in your mixer.  Add the vanilla and combine it well.  Add the sugar in small amounts and mix thoroughly after each addition.  ((You can try to add a whole bunch of it at once, but you will have a sugar explosion and one very, very sticky kitchen.))  Once all the sugar is in, start adding the milk, one tablespoon at a time until you get to the consistency you like.

Then pipe it on or use a knife.  It would make me happy if you added some chocolate sprinkles or MAYBE you shaved some dark chocolate on the top.  You could also do green sugar if you want to be sure your theme gets across, but I prefer to go for subtlety.  Obviously.  ((Is that how you spell that?  I'm so not subtle I can't even spell it.))  I also saw some pictures where the bottle tops were stuck in as toppers.  Seems dangerous what with all the drunk people around.

This makes 24 cupcakes and you may well have left-over frosting if you don't go batshit crazy decorating them.

Nutritional info?  Not going to talk about it with 2 sticks of butter and shortening in the frosting.  That's another rule.

This recipe is adapted somewhat from Dave Lieberman.  I confess, I did not make these today, but if I am able to tear myself away to get to the St P's party I'm invited to, I will bring them.  I made them a few years ago ((3? 4?)) and they were damn good.  Here's a picture posted by Ashley's Bakery ((ashleybsbakeshop)) which seems like a lovely place where they are way better at decorating than I am but maybe that URL could use some work.  Just saying.  

Happy Day When Everyone Is Suddenly Irish!
  

Brandied Brown Sugar Bread Pudding, Minions, and Officially Officialness

     I need a long weekend to recover from my long weekend.  Or minions.  Minions might be preferable.  The weekend was packed with cooking for a dinner for 30 on Saturday, my niece flying in during the preparation, another smaller party to cook for on Sunday, and spending the day with family on Monday.  All good stuff, but it greatly interrupted my regularly scheduled laziness.  

     The party on Saturday is what I shall now call my First Officially Official Event.  The menu was hot deviled crab dip, black-eyed pea salsa ((as previously discussed)), jambalaya, Cajun pulled pork, creole rice, baked beans, mini corn muffins with roasted green chiles and honey butter, and brandied brown sugar bread pudding.  Based on the feedback I've been given, no one dish was the clear favorite, so that means I get to decide.  ((Hey, it's my blog, I can do what I want to anyway.))  I originally thought the rice was going to be my overall favorite ((I "taste-tested" a completely unreasonable amount of it and will make it over and over again)), but that honor has been given instead to the bread pudding.

More Boozy Desserts by Jules

     I have always believed that bread pudding is disgusting.  I mean, seriously, who wants goopy stale bread?  Sick.  Apparently, I didn't know what bread pudding actually was because I was very, very wrong.  ((Mark it:  March 6, 2012. Jules admits she is wrong about something.))  This stuff is to die for.  Not goopy.  Not stale.  Totally sugary boozy yumminess.  This recipe basically came from a website called "A Taste of Home" with a couple of modifications.      

What you need:

1/2 cup of raisins ((unless you agree with me that raisins are disgusting and look like bugs and should be left out))
1/4 cup brandy ((or more, why not?))
1/2 cup of butter  ((melted and with one tablespoon divided out))
1 tablespoon sugar
4 eggs, slightly beaten
2 cups half and half
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
10 slices of day-old brioche bread, 1 inch thick, cubed

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a small saucepan, combine the raisins ((yuck)) and the brandy and bring them to a boil.  Cover and remove from heat to sit aside and marinate.  If you are leaving out the raisins, theoretically, you should still bring the brandy to a boil to burn off some of the alcohol, but if you don't, I won't tell anyone.  You can also use apple juice in place of the brandy if you want to be non-boozy.

Brush a glass pan with 1 tablespoon of the melted butter and sprinkle it with sugar.

In a large bowl combine the eggs, cream, brown sugar, vanilla, salt and nutmeg.  Stir in the remaining butter and the raisin/not bugs and brandy mixture.  Gently add in the bread and carefully swish it around.  Let it sit for about 15 minutes or until all the juice is soaked up.

Transfer it to the buttered and sugared baking dish and bake it at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes OR until a knife stuck in the middle comes out clean.

Now you need to make the sauce.

It requires:

1/2 cup of brown sugar
2 tablespoons of cornstarch
Dash of salt
3/4 cup of cold water
1 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
MORE brandy, but just a little.  Maybe 1/4 cup.

Just combine the brown sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a small saucepan and gradually add the water and brandy.  For the love of sugar, KEEP STIRRING IT.  You want to be sure the cornstarch isn't "lumping up" like your Aunt Edna's gravy.  Bring it to a boil and continue stirring for 2 minutes or until it is thickened up.  Remove from heat and stir in the butter and vanilla extract.

Some people say you should serve this on the side as a sauce.  I say to hell with that.  Dump it right on top and let it soak in.  If you make this a day ahead as I did, the sauce will turn into a caramel-ly type topping and be extra delicious.  Just reheat it in the oven or nuke it for a few seconds prior to serving.

Nutritional Info:  High treadmill alert.  When cut into 12 pieces, 1 piece is about 350 calories and 15 grams of fat.   Cut it into smaller pieces and eat two.  You'll feel better about yourself.  No, that doesn't make any sense.  That's not my fault.

*****

I'm off to bake a huge batch of my organic, vegan dog treats.  I made a batch about three weeks ago and have been giving them to people and demand has set in.  Now if I could just keep my dogs from staring at the oven while they bake...