Tres Leches and a Slow Return to Reality

Hola!  Yes, I am alive and well.  We had a truly incredible week in Manzanillo.  It was everything and nothing that I expected.  I can go on about it for hours and have thoroughly tortured everyone I know with photos and stories and then more photos.

The property we stayed at had the most incredible food.  Every morning, we would select what would be served the following day.  I, of course, quickly commandeered this task and embarked on a "write-in" mission which probably drove the chef, Pilar, insane but was a lot of fun for me.  One day we requested Tres Leches, literally, Three Milks, which is a form of cake.  I managed to finagle the recipe out of Pilar.

Disclaimer:  I have not attempted this recipe yet... There was a bit of a language gap as well.  I have filled in a few items that I think may have been lost in translation with some help from The Pioneer Woman.  Consider yourselves warned.

What you need:


1 cup All-purpose Flour
1-1/2 teaspoon Baking Powder
1/4 teaspoon Salt
5 whole Eggs
1 cup Sugar, Divided
1 teaspoon Vanilla
1/3 cup Milk
1 can Evaporated Milk
1 can Sweetened, Condensed Milk
1/4 cup Heavy Cream
_____
FOR THE ICING:
1 pint Heavy Cream, For Whipping
3 Tablespoons Sugar

What to do:


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9 x 13 inch pan very liberally with spray.  When you think it is coated, do it again.

Combine flour, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl and set aside.

Separate the eggs.  Get a little frustrated.  Shake it off.

Beat egg yolks with 3/4 cup sugar on high speed until yolks are a pale yellow. Then stir in the milk and vanilla.

Pour egg yolk mixture over the flour mixture and stir it together very, very gently, just until combined.

Beat egg whites on high speed until soft peaks form. ((Soft peaks means that when you lift the beaters out of the eggs, there are little "hills" which then sink back down.))  With the mixer on, pour in remaining 1/4 cup sugar and beat until egg whites are stiff but not dry.  ((At this point, the hills will be more like mountains and will stay that way.))

Fold egg white mixture into the batter very gently until just combined. Pour into prepared pan and spread it evenly.

Bake for 35 to 45 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Turn cake out onto a platter with a lip on it and allow to cool.

Combine condensed milk, evaporated milk, and heavy cream in a small pitcher. When cake is cool, stab the surface with a fork several times.  Don't get totally aggressive, this is not therapy time. Slowly drizzle all but about 1 cup of the milk mixture onto the cake—try to get as much around the edges of the cake as you can.  ((Yes, you are going to have some left over milk mixture.  These things come in premeasured cans, so we just have to deal with it.))

Allow the cake to soak it up for 30 minutes.

To ice the cake, whip 1 pint heavy cream with 3 tablespoons of sugar until thick and spreadable.
Spread over the surface and decorate with slices of peaches or mangos to make yourself feel fancy. Cut into squares and serve.

Nutritional Info:  A gazillion calories.  Seriously, a lot.  This is a once in a while treat, so don't sweat it.

*****

The return to reality has been a little slow, as you might guess.  7 days of having exactly nothing to do will do that to you.  Add in a mid-week holiday, and it is a total disaster.

We will have lots more recipes from Mexico coming up in the next while!  Yes, I take requests so if there is something you are dying for, settle down a little and then let me know!

Blackberry Cobbler, Blackberry Sauce, and Deep Seated Dreams

Tell me just how sick this is:  I had a dream about blackberry cobbler.  A very vivid, very detailed dream about eating cobbler.  No, this isn't some messed up, deeply seated... ((Is it "seated" or "seeded?"  Hold on.  Googling.  Don't you love stream of consciousness writing?  Me too. Oh hell, apparently there is a raging linguistic debate on this topic.  In the sense I am using it, deep seated is correct, however, it is pronounced as "seeded."  Well, well, well.  Huh.))  As I was saying, this isn't some messed up, deeply SEATED metaphor for sex, creative angst, or unresolved issues with my father, it was just that:  Cobbler.  With blackberries.  And real whipped cream.  With blackberry sauce.   I need a Food Network intervention.  

DREAMS COME TRUE!

This is so ridiculously easy, even a seven-year-old can do it.  In fact, it is so basic I have it memorized which is probably a bad thing because one day I'm dreaming of cobbler, the next day I'm making it in my sleep.  Recipe from the Pioneer Woman with a couple of twists.

What you need:

1 cup of flour

1 tsp of baking powder

1 pinch of salt

1 cup of sugar

1 cup of milk

1 stick of melted butter

2 cups of blackberries

**An additional 1/4 cup of sugar for the topping ((optional))

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Butter an eight inch square baking dish well.

Mix everything BUT the blackberries together.  Pour the batter into the baking dish.  Drop the blackberries in, attempting to spread them out so they are evenly distributed.  ((If you have just washed them, you don't need to dry them, just shake as much water off as you can.))  Top by sprinkling with an additional 1/4 cup of sugar if you want to.  I actually used a little less.

Bake for 60 minutes or until the top is golden brown.  

HOW FRACKING EASY WAS THAT?!

Want to make it really pretty?  Add a blackberry sauce drizzled over it or make one of those swirly plate decoration things for it.   This recipe is from cooks.com.  

What you need:

2/3 c. butter, melted

1 1/2 tbsp. cornstarch

1 1/4 c. sugar

Dash of salt

1/4 c. orange juice

2 c. fresh or frozen blackberries

What to do:

Start by melting the butter in a saute pan.  Add in the cornstarch and whisk them together.  Add all the remaining ingredients and cook over low heat, stirring constantly ((yes, this part sucks)), until it is thickened.  This will take at least ten minutes, maybe a little longer.  

Once thickened, run the sauce through a very fine mesh sieve to remove the seeds and the stems.  ((I didn't do this the first time I made it and I liked it fine.  I thought the seeds made it look cool.))  

Store in a tupperware container in the refrigerator.  This will make about 2 cups so you will have plenty left over for pancakes, French toast, ice cream, or random spoonfuls.  ((Once refrigerated, it gets kind of solid.  Just micro it for a few seconds to get the consistency back.))

Definitely top with real whipped cream and serve warm.

*****

All right,  I have a bunch of things to accomplish this afternoon.  The fact that it is going to be 110 degrees is NOT helping.  GAH.  More cobbler, please.

***** 

Rum and Coconut Banana Bread, TJ Terrors, and Mother's Day

I'm sure all of your children are complete angels, but Christ on a crutch, if you are one of the assholes who lets them run around Trader Joe's with those little miniature carts when the place is PACKED as they are screaming bloody murder and you are immersed in a ridiculously loud cell phone conversation, I will never speak to you again.  The produce section is not the bumper car area.  GAH.  I had to get that off my chest.  ((Yes, I know the obvious answer is that I'm the idiot who chose to go there on Saturday afternoon, but some things can't be helped.  Not. My Fault.))

*****

An incident such as that requires baking therapy.  Wait.  Strike that.  More boozy baking therapy.  Let's do rum and coconut banana bread.  This recipe came from My Baking Addiction and just seemed like a really good idea.

Not the most photogenic stuff, but ohmygod, you should smell it...

What you need for one loaf:


2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup light brown sugar, slightly packed
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3 tablespoons dark rum  ((I should admit right here that the pourer fell out of the bottle as I was measuring over the mixing bowl and there might be more.  Oopsiedoodle.))
2 1/3 cups mashed overripe bananas (about 4-5 bananas)
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut

What to do:

Preheat the oven to 350 and butter and flour a loaf pan.  ((WTF does butter and flour mean?  Here's how I do it.  Take a stick of butter and hold it in a paper towel.  Rub it all over every surface of the pan.  It doesn't have to be shellacked, but get a good layer on there.  Then take a little scoop of flour and put it in the pan.  Shake that bastard around so the flour coats the bottom and the sides.  Then turn it upside down over the sink and tap out the excess.))

Using your mixer, combine the butter and the brown sugar until it is light and fluffy.  This will take about two minutes.  Add the eggs, vanilla, rum and bananas and combine well.

((At this point, you are going to think this crap looks terrible.  It has a weird consistency prior to adding the dry stuff.  It's fine.  Don't worry about it.))

In a large bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon.  Using a rubber spatula, add the flour concoction to the mixing bowl with the banana stuff in it.  It will take some muscle to get this mixed together because you are doing it by hand, not with the mixer at this point.  Pay attention.  Be sure you are scraping the hell out of the bottom and the sides.  Finally, fold in the shredded coconut.

Pour it into your loaf pan and bake for 60-65 minutes or until a toothpick or cake tester comes out clean.  Cool it on a rack in the pan.  It will tip out easily once it is cool.  If you live in the desert, I highly recommend storing it in a baggie in the refrigerator.  If you don't, well, you are on your own.  The fridge couldn't hurt though.

Nutritional Info:  Booze calories don't count.  Oh wait, that's not right.  If you cut this into twelve pieces, I would call it about 250 per slice.  Yikes.

*****

Not sure if you knew, but Mother's Day is tomorrow.  Or maybe today depending on when you read this.  Or maybe it was six months ago if you are just catching up.  Hi person in the future!  I've taken on quite an undertaking for dinner tomorrow.  Let's just say I've already spent two hours on it today between making marinades, chopping veggies, making pastry creme, and making a blackberry reduction ((which I'm thinking would be AMAZING on pancakes.  Or crepes.  YES, FUCKING CREPES.  Great, now I have to make crepes tomorrow in addition to everything else.  I hate it when I have excellent ideas.))

Happy Mother's Day!      

Grand Marnier Souffle with Creme Anglaise, Slobberloaf (tm), and Laundry Lists

There is a raging storm outside...  It's the desert, so I'm sure it will last all of ten minutes max.  However, it is a distinct Phoenix phenomena that when it rains, every six months or so, we all go stand outside and stare at it and immediately turn into the biggest driving wimps on the planet.  I have driven in pure white-out blizzards, on black ice, and in six feet of snow and there is no way in hell I am going out in a little rain here.  Although I will say, my ability to drive in snow has completely disappeared as well, so maybe I don't actually have a point.  Disregard.

Today in an attempt to be as completely random as possible, apparently, I embarked on two very distinct cooking projects:  Grand Marnier Souffles with Creme Anglaise and ... well ... Slobberloaf.  I'll explain.  I was contacted by a business in downtown Phoenix about providing my dog treats for their customers.  The treats were such a hit, that they then wanted to know if I could do entrees.  Accordingly, Slobberloaf is an entree for dogs.  It is essentially the same as a regular meatloaf you would make for yourself, but without all of the spices.  However, as I placed several pounds of ground beef and fresh vegetables in the oven, no shit, I could actually hear my father's voice say, "JESUS CHRIST!  WHAT THE HELL?!"  If he weren't already gone, this would have killed him.  Of all the bullshit I have pulled in my life that he found offensive, this is the ultimate insult.  Anyway, I actually have four mini-loaves and the assorted roasted vegetables in the fridge to be delivered to my testers once this sky explosion stops.  I freely admit that while this was cooking, I decided I was trying a bite.  It's good!  And oh my God, Kirin, my chow/retriever mix, lost her damn mind.  I have a very firm rule about No Dogs in the Kitchen and I couldn't peel her away.  I think this is going to be a hit.  Check it out:

Ground beef with potatoes, carrots, and celery

I'm positive that I could have passed this off as a regular recipe and no one would have known the difference.  I'll see what my test subjects have to say and if they all agree, these will be for sale shortly!

My other project is part of my French Ambition Tour.  As I have mentioned, I recently read My Life in France ((Julia Child's life story of her years in Paris)) and received Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  This has inspired me to attempt to learn to make some things which frankly, I can't pronounce, but what the hell. I'm planning to make the souffles on Sunday for Mother's Day, but decided I really should give them a test run.  I think they turned out really well, especially for a first try.  I am also now a pro when it comes to separating eggs.  Here are some pics:

Immediately out of the oven

Yum

Glorious

With the Creme Anglaise

I managed to restrain myself and only had a couple of bites of one.  It really is tragic they don't keep.  Although, I can admit I had a piece of the edge of one an hour later and yep, still good.

In other non-cooking news, I have finished the coursework for my personal training certification and now just need to devote 5-6 hours to taking the online exam.  I have also been hired to do two freelance articles which I am really, really excited about.  Tomorrow I am delivering the menus I constructed to the Bed and Breakfast that is interested in using me.  There is so much going on that it is scaring the shit the out of me.  My twitch is back.

It appears the rain is subsiding a little, so I'm going to go deliver the Slobberloaves....  Credit for the name to my Cousin Cecily who said she had heard it referred to as such, but Google didn't corroborate that.  I'm taking the name.  I dig it.

Cherry Coke Float Cupcakes, Pressure Cooking, and Rorschach Tests

Boring cupcakes are just that.  Boring.  For just a little bit more work, you can do something cool, so why not?  <<Sees heads nodding in agreement.>>  That's what I thought.  That's why I like you people.  Today let's do Cherry Coke Float Cupcakes.

These basically replicate an old-fashioned soda fountain float in that the cupcake is topped with whipped cream and a cherry ((which I keep mistyping as "cheery" which is really not in my wheel-house.)) 

The one in the center, hiding between the samoa cupcake and red velvet cheesecake.

 This recipe is slightly adapted from Nigella Lawson's, "How to Be a Domestic Goddess."

What you need for 12:

1 1/2 cups flour

3/4 cup sugar

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1 large egg

1/2 cup buttermilk

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup unsalted butter

3 tbs cocoa powder

3/4 cup Coca-Cola

1/4 cup maraschino cherry syrup

24 maraschino cherries

1 can of Reddi-Whip ((because how can this possibly go wrong?!))

What to do:

Preheat the oven to 350.  Line your muffin tin with muffin papers and make sure they are cute, dammit.

In one bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking soda, and salt.  Set aside.

All the dry, white stuff goes in this bowl.

In a second bowl, combine the egg, buttermilk, and vanilla by whisking the hell out of them.  Set aside.

All the wet, yellow-y white stuff goes in this bowl.

Take your jar of maraschino cherries and drain the juice into a small sauce pan.  ((Save the cherries!))  Add the Coke ((and use regular coke, not diet)), bring it to a boil, and let it boil gently for 5 minutes.  Boiling gently means there are still plenty of bubbles in the brew, but it isn't going apeshit.  Stir it occasionally, scraping the bottom, to be sure you aren't burning the cherry juice.

Bubbly Coke

After 5 minutes, remove it from the heat and throw in the butter and the chocolate.  It should melt the butter quite quickly, but if not, put it back on the burner for a couple of seconds to speed things up.  Keep stirring!

With the butter and chocolate

Pour the contents of the sauce pan into the bowl with the dry ingredients.  

Stir.

This is not a Rorschach Test ((however you spell that))

At this point, feel free to get a little concerned that this appears to be NOTHING like cupcake batter.  I did.  

Add the wet ingredients from Bowl #2 and stir.  Give a sigh of relief.

That's workable

Mix well and fill your cupcake liners.  

NOW.  These do not "fluff up" like some cupcakes do.  Go ahead and fill the liners at least 3/4's of the way full.  ((I use a 1/4 cup measuring doo-hickey to fill them.  It is about the right amount and the stuff doesn't slop all over.))  

((Pretend there is a picture here.  I was on such a picture-taking roll.))

Smush a maraschino cherry in the middle of each one and bake for 15 minutes OR until a cake tester/toothpick comes out clean.  ((I want to say it took closer to 20 minutes for mine.))

Allow them to cool and then top with aerosol Reddi-Whip.  Use a lot.  Why?  It's fun.  Add another cherry on top.  

So cute.  And the cherry is off-center.

Now, let me say this because maybe this isn't obvious...  You need to "frost" these IMMEDIATELY before serving.  Otherwise, the whipped cream will basically melt all over.  Want more fun?  Have the kids ((or 30-year-old kids, whatever)) frost their own.  No party is complete without a can of Reddi-Whip anyway, right?  Oh what?  Um, hi relatives!  I don't know what I meant there either.  Disregard.

Nutritional Info: Who cares?!  Just kidding.  The buttermilk, butter, syrup, and chocolate situation made these into a situation.  Approximately 325 calories per serving.  Whoops.  Have one and have a salad for dinner.  

*****

Off to finish working on a tasting menu for a Bed and Breakfast that is interested in having me do events and weddings!  Gah!  PRESSURE!  Just kidding.  The pressure is good for me.  It keeps me honest.  And even if it doesn't work out, it is excellent practice for the next time.  We got this.  

Project Cupcake, Cinco Links, and Micheladas

I had a momentary lapse from my Cinco de Mayo posting schedule because I took a cupcake order on a slightly short turn-around...  I ended up making Red Velvet/Cheesecake Marbled Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting and Orange Zest; Cherry Coke Float Cupcakes with Whipped Cream and Maraschino Cherries, and Brown Butter Cupcakes with a Girl Scout Samoa Coconut Topping.  The party is being held at what I think is one of those indoor trampoline places...  I'm not sure how it can go wrong with a bunch of really rich cupcakes, trampolines, 30-year olds acting like kids, and a can of Reddi-Whip for the Coke Floats.  I should hide a video camera in the cupcake courier thing.  I have a feeling this is going to be hilarious.

Here's what I ended up with:

Pretty huh?  Don't worry, I am signed up for cupcake piping lessons with a professional cake decorator.  In my defense, those are the red velvet cake and cheesecake marbled ones so the surface is not even.  But they taste DELICIOUS, so I'm not concerned.  Furthermore, I really don't think anyone cares.

Anyway...  Since I didn't want you all to feel I had deserted you, I've complied everything you could possibly need for your Cinco de Mayo celebration tomorrow...  Just click on the handy links...

Appetizers:
Salad and Dressing
Tomatillo Salsa
Shrimp Salsa
Seven Layer Dip

Main Dishes:
Shrimp Tacos
Beef Enchiladas
Chicken Enchiladas

Sides:
Spanish Rice

Desserts:
Sopapilla Cheesecake
Mayan Fudge Cupcakes

Drinks:
Sangria

You know what else is good for Cinco de Mayo?  Micheladas.  Where I'm from, they call a Bud Light ((or whatever)) mixed with tomato juice a Red Beer.  This is a slightly spicier version.

Fill your mug/glass/swimming pool halfway with a cold, light beer.  Fill the glass the rest of the way with Clamato.  Add a squeeze of lime, a dash of tabasco or other hot sauce, a dash of soy sauce, and a couple of shakes of salt.

*I make them half beer/half juice.  I googled around ((that's a verb)) to see if that was "right" and most are saying like 1/4 beer, 3/4 tomato juice.  EFF THAT.  That's ridiculous.  Do it my way.  Bunch of lightweights.  ((Mutter mutter.))

*****

All right.  I'm apparently having a garage sale tomorrow so I should probably do something about that...

Happy Cincoing!

Sangria, Shows, and Sugar Highs

The brunch and trunk show can be deemed a success!  I think I had about 30 people here for brunch and some day-drinking by the pool while shopping.  As previously mentioned, I had gone on a massive bake-a-thon to sell baked goods and promote my new venture; Tammi brought jars of preserves, apple butter, and some of her crocheted items; Allie brought her Elodee headbands and hair clips; and Brandi had jewelry.  Everyone thought it was a great idea and a good way to get together.  I will definitely be doing it again.

*****

It is HOT.  I think we hit 105 today.  You know what that means:  It is officially pool time in Arizona.  While I understand the allure of a cold beer by the pool, sometimes you need something a little fancier.  Today, I made white wine sangria.

Previously described as summer in a glass...  Also pictured, fresh limeade.

What you need:

One LARGE bottle of white wine
Diet Gingerale
Various Fruits  ((suggestions:  orange, lime, strawberries, grapefruit))

How to:

When shopping, look for the biggest and probably the cheapest bottle of white wine you can find.  I found Barefoot Pinot Grigio in a 1.5 liter bottle for 7 bucks so I went with that.

The night prior, pour the wine into a glass pitcher.  If you are using a normal person sized bottle, it will only fill one pitcher about halfway and you will really feel ripped off.  I split the 1.5 liter into two separate pitchers.

Cut up various kinds of fruit.  You can really use anything that you have.  In the pic above, I used oranges, limes, frozen raspberries, and strawberries.  For today ((pictured below)), I used oranges, strawberries, lemon, and kiwi.   ((I intended to throw in some mango, but they were past their prime.))

Take the fruit and squeeze the living bejeezus of it into the pitcher.  You can also take a wooden spoon and smash the hell out of it in the pitcher as well.  This will not result in the prettiest presentation though.  If you want it to look more "polished" or something ((I can't come up with a better word)) don't smash it, just throw it in.  Refrigerate overnight, covering the top of the pitcher with a piece of saran wrap.  I usually secure it on with a rubber band as well since for some reason saran wrap doesn't always seal that tightly.

The following day, fill the pitcher the rest of the way with diet gingerale.  Give it a few stirs and add a few handfuls of ice.  Done!  Some people add more sugar to it, but I think that is completely unnecessary.  We are sugary enough.  I'm drawing the line.  

Here's a kind of crappy picture that I took today:

Both of these pitchers disappeared within about an hour, so I'm going to assume they were good!  ((I personally was into the strawberry vodka lemonade which was also really fracking good.))

*****

Okay kiddos.  It is time to get serious.  I have 60 days to pull my act together so here we go: CLEAN LIVING.  No more risottos.  No more cheesecake.  No more sugar bombs.  Oh who am I kidding?  I'll still be making that stuff for other people, so there will still be some treats around here.  BUT, you can also expect more healthy, yet still interesting and flavorful recipes.  In the mean time, cheers!

 

Tomatogeddon ((Tomato Sauce)), Good Sides, and Previews

I'm taking another cop-out this evening.  Here's why:

1.  In the past 36 hours I have made 4 loaves of zucchini bread, 4 loaves of banana bread, 2 dozen apple muffins, 2 dozen corn flake muffins, 8 dozen peanut butter cookies, a rum cake, a coffee cake, a casserole, 500 dog treats, 2 pitchers of sangria, half a fruit salad, and made 25 lbs of tomatoes into sauce.  As of this moment, everything is packaged except the sauce which is still simmering on the stove and smells AMAZING.

2.  I did the filming today for the journalism project I was drafted for...  I gave them two rules: make sure the kitchen doesn't look dirty in the shots ((the floors are well, well-used in the kitchen area)) and get my good side assuming I have a good side.  It was definitely fun and I can't wait to see the finished product!  I suspect I was talking too fast in the interview portion though...

3.  I have like 25 people coming over here tomorrow and if you reference Point #1, you can imagine I have some cleaning up to do.  I think I may have to issue an ultimatum:  Do you people want brunch as promised or would you like me to vacuum?  That's what I thought.

4.  Speaking of food, here's tomorrow's menu: green chile breakfast enchiladas, the sun-dried egg bake referenced a couple of weeks ago, Mexican breakfast potatoes, coffee cake, and fruit salad with dip.  I've also restocked the bloody mary bar and have strawberry basil white wine sangria marinating.

Okay.  I really must get the sauce finished so it can cool enough to package prior to midnight.

25 lbs of romas.  And SOMEHOW that reduces to one stock pot.  Tragic.

Bake sale preview

Gotta run.  I will have something with some semblance of sense to add tomorrow.  Maybe.

Really. Don't bother reading this. Stream of consciousness at its best.

No time, nor energy for a real post today, but I will give you the following information in bullet point format that you may or may not find useful:

• When a plumbing disaster breaks out in the kitchen sink in the midst of a bakeathon, just surrender and call the plumber immediately.  Do not wait, do not pass go, just call.
• If the plumber has to snake the drain 3 times and keeps saying, "Wow, this is really plugged" and then does an actual happy dance when the drain finally clears with that weird sucking sound, don't be afraid.  He enjoys his work.  This is a good thing.  
• Be aware that every disaster is also an opportunity:  The plumber's wife is an event planner and he left with a stack of my culinary business cards for her and a loaf of banana bread.  
• If you have heard a nasty rumor that I am "lazy," those people are full of shit.  Today I made 8 loaves of zucchini and banana bread, 4 dozen apple oatmeal muffins, 8 dozen peanut butter cookies, 2 dozen corn flake muffins, and 5 lbs of organic dog treats which is probably over 800 individually cut out treats. I have stalled only because I have gone through 18 eggs and 10 lbs of flour AND the dog treats use a different type of flour.  There were also a series of kitchen dance parties, primarily to Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers.
• The "more supportive" ((read: ugly)) shoes do not appear to be helping.  I finally resorted to moving my super squishy ((and overly expensive)) bath mat into the kitchen.  I need an opportunity to register for gifts so I can request one of those gel standing mat things.
• If you are a moron and set out to make bran muffins and discover you do not in fact have bran, but have already started mixing stuff, corn flakes are a viable, but not preferable, replacement.
• Practicing what you are making for a segment that is being filmed without swearing is not as easy as originally thought.  The cooking part is easy.  The not swearing?  Not so fucking much.  Shit.
• Be careful when you send text messages that it is actually going to the correct recipient or you might find yourself trying to explain yourself and finally giving up and saying, "I have a totally reasonable, rational, and innocent explanation but you aren't going to believe me anyway so I'll just be a client and say, "These aren't my pants and the cops are lying."  ((Said text had nothing to do with either pants or police contact...))
• It will scare the hell out of your family who all have the initials JBS that you have discovered that Julia Beth Steele also fits the profile.  ((My brothers are actually half-brothers and have a different last name.))
•  Writing really disjointed posts is surprisingly liberating.  
• Your mom went to college.

Okay, friends.  I give up for the evening.  I have to hit the ground running tomorrow to do the shopping for the cooking segment, make sure the house and myself are film presentable, figure out what the frack I am going to wear, shop for the Brunch and Trunk Show on Sunday, and oh good Lord, I can't think about it anymore.  

Sopapilla Cheesecake, Pronunciation Guides, and Time Outs

As I mentioned yesterday, last night I delivered dinner to a friend and for dessert, I made a sopapilla cheesecake.  I was googling around looking for unusual Mexican-style desserts and this practically jumped out of the screen at me from amidst eleventy billion recipes for flan.  This comes to us courtesy of Allrecipes.com.

Sopapillas ((soap-a-pee-yas for you Gringos)) are fluffy pastries with cinnamon and sugar and that are typically drizzled with honey.  In this recipe, they are layered with a more traditional cheesecake.

I posted this picture on Facebook and it blew up with various levels of begging for the recipe or for me to deliver either a piece or an entire pan to their home/office/secret-away-from-the-kids-eating-place.

What you need:


3 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 (8 ounce) cans crescent roll dough
1/2 cup melted butter
1/2 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Go:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Using your mixer, combine the three packages of cream cheese ((I actually used the reduced-fat version which now seems vaguely ridiculous)), the sugar, and the vanilla.  Beat it until it is totally smooth, being sure to scrape the sides and bottom of the mixing bowl.

Lay out the crescent rolls on a piece of waxed paper.  Each tube contains a long sheet that you would normally divide into eight separate rolls, but instead, roll out the dough with a rolling pin to make it the same size as your pan.  ((I used a 9 x 13 glass dish.))  It's a little hard to work with because it is kind of sticky and it doesn't help that it was 82 degrees in my house when I was doing this, but I REFUSE to turn on the air until this weekend when we hit 100 degrees.  ((UGH.))  This isn't going to be perfect, it doesn't have to be.  Don't sweat it.  Repeat with the second tube of dough.

After spraying the dish with cooking spray, lay one of the rolled out crescent dough sheets in the bottom.  On top of that, spread all of the cream cheese/sugar/vanilla concoction.  Put the other layer of dough on top of that.

Pour the melted butter over the top of the whole works.

In a small bowl, mix together the cinnamon and sugar.  Sprinkle this into the butter.

Bake for approximately 45 minutes until the dough is golden brown and fluffy.  Let it cool completely before cutting ((yeah, good luck with that.))  Keep the leftovers ((if you have any)) in the refrigerator, tightly covered.

*****

I finally had to declare myself on hiatus for a couple of days.  I've been running around like a maniac and needed to call a time out!  I have a brunch and trunk show this Sunday at the house and let's just say, my cleaning lady?  She doesn't exist.  I also need to do a bunch of baking for that, get my vendors organized, hopefully make the sauce for canning if these effing tomatoes ever ripen up, and figure out the menu.  Add in that I am filming on Saturday for a cooking segment ((SQUEEE!!)) and I really needed a day or two to get prepared.  Now what the hell am I going to wear for Saturday?!  How am I going to keep myself from goddamn swearing?!  This may go straight to youtube.  I'm thinking it will be quite entertaining.  
 

Cheeky's Pear Pie, Dinners for Two, and Sensibility

Today was crazy jam-packed.  I feel like I say that, or at the very least think that, every day.  I think the pace I am keeping is catching up with me because my back is KILLING me.  My lower back in particular which I quite fabulously broke in gymnastics about a million years ago.  So, I decided I would finally be a grown-up, accept my lot in life, and *gasp* buy decent flats.  I reluctantly hauled myself to DSW, aka my one true home, turned my throbbing back on the stilettos which were crying out my name, and wandered up and down rows and rows of "sensible" shoes.  UGH.  It almost killed me.   I managed to get out of there with 4 pairs of shoes with a combined heel height of zero.  The experience was only redeemed when I approached the cashier with my expired rewards points and managed to convince her that I am in fact a very good customer and maybe just this once could they accept them?  She says, "You must be a good customer to have that much in reward certificates and wait...  You have an Elite Card?  We don't even issue those without a yearly sale total of REDACTED."  In other news, once I figure out how, you can find a gallery-worthy assortment of size 9 stilettos on eBay.  They all come with my own tears and love notes written to the shoes in the box.

*****

You know what will dull my separation anxiety?  Cheeky's Pear Pie.  My friend D ((I'm using initials for people so they aren't google-able to this corner of weirdness)) has a little boy who fell in love with a pear cobbler I brought to their house.  He kept asking if he could have more pear pie and his nickname is Cheeky, sooooo, Cheeky's Pear Pie was born.  

Double Pear Pie

What you need for just one pie:

2 to 2 1/2 cups sliced fresh pears

2 cups sugar, divided

2 ounces butter

3/4 cup flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup milk

1 egg

What to do:

Preheat the oven to 325.  Take a square baking dish and put 2 ounces of butter in it.  Stick it in the oven and let it melt.  

Dice up the pears ((you don't need to peel them)) and place them in a small bowl with 1 cup of sugar.

I used fancy pears because I am fancy.

Mix together the dry ingredients, including the additional cup of sugar.  

Whisk together the milk and the egg and then slowly add them to the dry ingredient mixture to make a batter.  Don't over-mix.  

Battery

By now, the butter should be melted in the oven.  Take the pan from the oven and pour the batter on top of the melted butter.  DO NOT STIR.  Seriously, leave it alone.  I know it looks weird.  It's fine.

Don't stir me!

Pour the pears with the sugar on top and again, pay attention, DO NOT STIR.  It will look like this:

Unstirred and unshaken

Bake at 325 for 50-60 minutes or until the top is golden brown.  I swear to God, it turns out looking like picture number one.  The crust on this is absolutely glorious.  Serve with ice cream, preferably cinnamon ice cream if you know what's good.  

Serves probably 6 or 4 and one Cheeky.

*****

Tonight I delivered a Mexican dinner for two, but it turns out that Person #2 was being ordained to officiate at a wedding or something really confusing like that, so I was invited to stay to eat.   It turned out really well...  Sopapilla cheesecake is my new drug of choice.  If you are nice, I might post the recipe tomorrow.  I recommend being nice.  

Mango-Banana Bread, Campaigning, and Artistry

Last night's fundraiser was a big success...  It was held at my dear friend Amery's art gallery and was made extra-entertaining because a number of the people who attended all worked on a painting together under Amery's guidance and then everyone then signed the back.  ((This is the point at which I got covered in paint.))  It will be a great reminder to the candidate of all the support of his wacky friends he has received.  The painting actually turned out really well ((thanks to Ames' instruction and perhaps a little of her fixing...))

Teaching is made easier with wine...

Lord, help this woman trying to paint!

*****

Today I catered a Bachelorette Hangover Brunch.  Well, that's what I'm calling it!  Their menu was sun-dried tomato egg bake, spinach-strawberry-almond salad, fruit salad, coffee cake, and mango banana bread.  This was a little extra challenge because at least one of the attendees was vegan.  In googling and googling and googling, it was hard to come up with many vegan recipes, particularly for a brunch.  Well, let me restate that:  It was hard coming up with something that I could predict how it would turn out because a lot of the ingredients were not things I had used before.  I need to expand my horizons.  However, my friend Angie had made this recipe and gave it a huge thumbs up, so I went with it.

Very Vegan Mango Banana Bread

Original recipe from "Joy the Baker."

What you need for one 9x5 loaf:

3 medium or 2 large ripe bananas
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 ripe mango, sliced into chunks
granulated sugar for topping

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease and flour a 9 x 5-inch loaf pan.

In a large mixing bowl, mash the bananas well by smashing them with the back of a wooden spoon. Add the sugar, oil, and vanilla extract, and whisk the hell out of it.
Sift in the flour, baking soda, spices, and salt. ((I can hear you... WTF is "sifting?!"  Read this.))  Then use your wooden spoon to mix just until the wet and dry ingredients are combined.  You don't need to over-do this.  Then throw in the mango chunks and "fold" them in ((just move some of the batter around the mango.))

Put the batter in your loaf pan and sprinkle with extra sugar on top if you’d like.

Bake for 45 to 50 minutes. The top should be lightly browned and a knife inserted
through the center should come out clean, or with just a few crumbs.

Remove from the oven and let cool for 20 minutes before transferring out of a pan and
onto a wire rack to cool completely.

Banana bread will last, wrapped at room temperature, for up to 5 days.  I prefer to keep it in the refrigerator and then nuke it ((my term for microwaving)) for 30 seconds prior to eating.

Good and good for you!

As promised, here's a pic of the cinnamon-swirl coffee cake discussed here.

Coffee-less Coffee Cake

*****

Here are a few more pictures from last night.

 I just did a very simple cheese array with lots of beer and wine:

I set it up in front of her current major piece which you should totally buy:

Here are a couple of pictures with a few of my friends who attended because apparently I like posting pictures of myself.

*****

So there you have it.  Happy Easter weekend...  I'm off to work out the details for a dinner I'm making tomorrow.  They want a Mexican Seafood Feast.  I'm all over that request!  Yum.

Cinnamon Swirl Coffee Cake, Something Clever, and Something Clever

Last night I was so exhausted that I went into the bedroom to change clothes and landed face-down, fully-dressed, in four-inch heels, on the bed and passed out.  At 7 pm.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.    It's probably a good thing given that I got up at 4 am to start prepping for tonight's fundraiser and tomorrow's brunch.

Speaking of brunch, this would be excellent for an Easter Morning treat:

I resisted the urge to add a campy pun up there.  You're welcome.

What you need:

1 cup sour cream
3/4 cup butter, softened to room temp
1 1/2 cups white sugar
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup chopped walnuts ((optional))
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 eggs
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/4 cup white sugar

What to do:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Lightly grease and flour a 10-inch bundt pan.  Don't have a bundt pan?  You're screwed.  Sorry.  I would guess that you could use an angel-food cake pan, but seriously, get yourself a bundt pan.  I know someone who can hook you up with a good one if need be.

In your mixer, cream 1 1/2 cups white sugar together with the eggs until well blended.  Then add the sour cream and softened butter ((or margarine)) and beat well.  Add flour, baking soda, and baking powder and mix well. Stir in vanilla and the chopped nuts if you are using them.  ((Want to know my favorite way to chop nuts?  Put them in a baggie and jump on them.  Yep.  Classy, all the way.))

In a separate bowl, mix the remaining 1/4 cup of white sugar with the cinnamon.

Pour half of the batter into the prepared pan. Sprinkle the cinnamon sugar mixture all over it. Cover with the remaining cake batter.

Bake at 400 degrees for 8 minutes. Lower heat to 350 degrees and bake for an additional 40 minutes.  Because I have been asked this before, no, you don't take it out of the oven until the heat reduces.  And no, you don't leave the door open to help it cool down.  It's part of the process.  Go with it.

Let it cool for about 10 minutes in the pan and then flip it over and let it finish cooling on a rack.

I'll try to grab a photo of the inside tomorrow when I slice it.  I might forget.  Picture swirls of cinnamon sugar going through the middle.  Yum.

This recipe has been in my email folder for a few years.  I have no idea where I may have originally gotten it.  Bad Jules.

*****

Okay, I gotta run.  It's almost 2:30 and I have yet to have lunch.  Yikes.  I'll be back tomorrow with one of my favorite brunch items...  Sun-dried tomato, Italian sausage, and spinach egg bake.  ((It's called 'egg bake' where I'm from.  I'm not sure what y'all call it in other parts of the country.  I should figure that out.))

Baked Brie Bites, Smushers, and a Publisher's Nightmare

Last night, I gave my first real cooking lesson--  A friend had approached me a couple of weeks ago and said, "Can I pay you to teach me how to make something?  Like anything?  I can usually boil water without a problem, but that's about it.  Do you do that?"  After about a millisecond, I was like, "OF COURSE!!  I totally do that as of right this second!"  I came up with a menu, sent her the shopping list, then had to send pictures of anything that didn't come in a can, and we got after it.  We made baked brie bites, lemon-butter chicken with proscuitto and artichoke hearts, rice, roasted asparagus, and apple oatmeal crisp.  It was really entertaining for both of us AND at the end she said she felt totally confident she could repeat the meal on her own.  Success!

The Baked Brie Bites came from an idea I saw on Pinterest and then completely changed up because I couldn't figure where I initially saw it and had to rely on my memory.  Argh.  I think what I saw called for phyllo dough, but I'm apparently not very reliable on this and in fact, maybe I dreamt it.  Oops.  Never mind, let's just do it my way.  To hell with Pinterest anyway.    

Fancy, fancy, fancy

 You need:

A package of wonton wrappers ((my new favorite thing which can be found in the produce area of the supermarket, usually by the organics for reasons I don't understand))
EVOO ((extra virgin olive oil))
A wedge of brie
1/2 cup of brown sugar
*Some* honey
Pears for garnish

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Take the wonton wrappers and very lightly brush them with olive oil on one side.  Put them into a mini muffin tin which you have lightly sprayed with cooking spray and smush them down in to make little cups.  I actually have a smusher-type gadget that I didn't realize was a smusher.  I thought it was a pestle.  Oopsiedoodle.  You don't need a smusher.  You can smush them with your fingers.  Smusher.  ((<---Making up words is fun.))

Add about a tablespoon of brie to each of the cups.  ((We under-filled ours...  You will want to fill it basically to the top.))  Sprinkle a little bit of brown sugar over each one.  Finish it with a drizzle of honey.

Bake for about 8 minutes until the edges are golden brown and remove to a cooling rack for a couple of minutes, then serve immediately.

((As we were doing this and I'm sort of meandering through my pantry halfway talking to myself, she says, "Do you know what you're doing?"  Um, no?  "So you are making this up right now?"  Yeah, basically!))

We garnished it with little slivers of pear to be extra fancy and gourmet-y.

*****

From the "I'm apparently not a total idiot file," I *just now* discovered that I can upload pictures without going through the huge rigamarole that I have been.  It's like one button.  Holy shit, maybe I'm getting smarter.  It's about time.  Nah, doubtful.  I actually did it by accident and then somehow figured out how to repeat it.

I'll be back in a few to recap what has now been deemed THE BEST F*CKING CHICKEN EVER!  No, really.  That's its official name.  If I'm serious about actually publishing a cookbook, some editor is going to have one helluva time with me.  I'm still pissed, but totally not really, that the title 101 Desserts to Get You Laid is taken.  Sigh.

1,000 Treats, Five Alarms, and The Threat of Salsa

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*****

Today has been INSANE!  As I mentioned yesterday, last night I was cooking for a party for about 15.  Everything went really well with the food, but during the course of the evening, one woman mentioned that an organization she is affiliated with was doing gift bags for about 100 people on Monday and did I want to donate my organic dog treats and could I do it in about 18 hours?  Well, of course, I do!  I rallied the troops, went to the supermarket when it opened, and we cranked out just under a thousand dog treats in about six hours.  My own dogs have greatly enjoyed cleaning up the floor and I'm out to deliver them in a few minutes.  While this certainly isn't the most intellectual thing I've ever done, I have to admit, it is really, really fun.  AND you feel like you really accomplished something when it is finished.

We might have had a couple of these to keep the assembly line flowing smoothly.

*****

Tonight, post-St Patrick's Day dinner and the delivery, I'll be working on finalizing an application we are submitting to The Food Network!  While I realize this is a long shot, just working on it and dreaming about it is so, so good for what ails me.  We do have a team tag-line:  We are five-alarm badasses.  Five.  

*****

Okay, tomorrow we will do some recipe-ing.  There is salsa in our future.

Hi, "My Drunk Kitchen," and Live Action Cooking

Just really quickly wanted to drop in and say hi, so "Hi!!!!"  ((Waves vigorously.))  That's another dumb joke that originated on FB that I no longer remember the details of.  I really should look into whatever that herb is that improves your memory but I can't remember what it is called.  Argh.

I'm off to do a party for ((I think)) 15 or 20.  And we are doing it LIVE.  Meaning, I am cooking there and people will theoretically be watching.  Don't tell the host or any of the guests, but I've never attempted any of the three dishes I am doing.  It is not terribly unusual for me to take things to events or serve things in my own home that I've never attempted before without an opportunity for a do-over, but typically then there are no witnesses to the various, "OH SHIT"'s, "Oh well"'s, and the "WHOOPS, eff it"'s.  This could be very entertaining.  I'll be sure to make the wine pours heavy just in case.  Someone should really take video.  It might look a lot like this:

Anyway, I'm making baked artichoke cups ((involves wonton wrappers which I predict I will have a terrible time separating, just a hunch)), three cheese roasted veggie pizzas, and a strawberry amaretto pastry.  We shall see how they turn out.

Wish me luck!  

Guinness, Cupcakes, and Well, Guinness Cupcakes

I was asked yesterday if I have any recipes for St. Patrick's Day.  I am pretending that I was not racially profiled based on the fact that I can get sunburned from a 40 watt bulb.  That's okay.  I wear SPF 1,000,000.  It sort of helps.  But not really.

The first thing that came to mind was corned beef and cabbage, but let's face it, most people are going to head right for the beer...  I was tempted to write up my green beer recipe which is very intricate.  It involves one beer and a few drops of green food coloring and then a long discussion about how the food coloring gets everywhere and generally creates a big Irish temper tantrum-worthy mess...  But let's go right for the Guinness, shall we?  We shall.  No playing around.

A lot of people, mainly chicks ((I can say that, I am one)), think Guinness is too strong.  Well, even if so, when added to chocolate, it is completely and totally and utterly and some other superlative YUM.

What you need:

1 12 oz bottle of Guinness Stout ((you may drink the rest of the bottles, you're welcome))
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3 large eggs
3/4 cup sour cream
3/4 cup unsweetened dark cocoa
2 cups sugar
2 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

What to do:

CHUG.

Preheat the oven to 350.

Prepare your muffin tins either by buttering them, spraying them with cooking spray, or using paper liners.  I prefer to butter them.  The easiest way to do it is to take a paper towel, drag it through the butter and then rub it around on the tin.  I'm not saying it's pretty, I'm saying that's how I like to do it.

In a large bowl, mix together all the wet stuff:  the Guinness, milk, oil, and vanilla and then beat in the eggs one at a time.  ((I have decided I am going to emphasize the egg beating in one at a time thingy each and every time.  If I weren't so lazy, I would google why this is important because all these recipes I read make a big deal out of it.  Consequently, so will I.  For no apparent reason.))  Finally, mix in the sour cream.

In a separate large bowl, mix together the dry stuff: cocoa, sugar, flour, and baking soda.

Gradually add the dry to the wet and combine well.

Scoop the batter into your muffin tins using a 1/4 cup measuring cup.  Fill them about 2/3's of the way full.

Bake for 25-30 minutes OR until they rise and are "set" in the middle, but not as hard as rocks.  ((Meaning, it shouldn't look like pudding any more.))

Let cool completely before removing from the tins or you will have a bunch of broken cupcakes and be really unhappy with yourself.

FROSTING!  ((The best part))

1 stick of SALTED butter at room temp
1 stick of UNSALTED butter at room temp ((this is low-cal, huh?))
1/2 cup shortening ((OhmyGod, sorry))
1 tablespoon vanilla extract ((it would be splendid if you had the clear kind, but if not, no biggie))
1 1/2 pounds powdered sugar
4 tablespoons of fricking cold milk.  Not just cold.  Fricking cold.

Cream the butters ((plural)) and the shortening in your mixer.  Add the vanilla and combine it well.  Add the sugar in small amounts and mix thoroughly after each addition.  ((You can try to add a whole bunch of it at once, but you will have a sugar explosion and one very, very sticky kitchen.))  Once all the sugar is in, start adding the milk, one tablespoon at a time until you get to the consistency you like.

Then pipe it on or use a knife.  It would make me happy if you added some chocolate sprinkles or MAYBE you shaved some dark chocolate on the top.  You could also do green sugar if you want to be sure your theme gets across, but I prefer to go for subtlety.  Obviously.  ((Is that how you spell that?  I'm so not subtle I can't even spell it.))  I also saw some pictures where the bottle tops were stuck in as toppers.  Seems dangerous what with all the drunk people around.

This makes 24 cupcakes and you may well have left-over frosting if you don't go batshit crazy decorating them.

Nutritional info?  Not going to talk about it with 2 sticks of butter and shortening in the frosting.  That's another rule.

This recipe is adapted somewhat from Dave Lieberman.  I confess, I did not make these today, but if I am able to tear myself away to get to the St P's party I'm invited to, I will bring them.  I made them a few years ago ((3? 4?)) and they were damn good.  Here's a picture posted by Ashley's Bakery ((ashleybsbakeshop)) which seems like a lovely place where they are way better at decorating than I am but maybe that URL could use some work.  Just saying.  

Happy Day When Everyone Is Suddenly Irish!