Sunday, April 1, 2012

Lemon-Butter Crusted Chicken, Real Titles, and Correspondence School

Real Title:  THE BEST F*CKING CHICKEN EVER.  ((Waves vigorously to the relatives who are just oh-so-proud right now.  Sorry.  Not really.))

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.  Sort of.

I know I toot my own horn a lot, I do have at least a degree from a correspondence school in shameless self-promotion, but seriously, this is the best thing ever.  I did not make all of it up, but if I did, I would walk around with a tattoo on my chest that reads, "I invented the best f*cking chicken ever."  I would then buy new boobs with the money I made from my chicken empire so more people would see that tattoo and then do something about world hunger, obviously.  ((No, I'm not a little manic, why do you ask?!))  Anyway, run, do not walk, to make this so you can chime in and I can sound less like a jackhole.

The pictures don't do this justice.

Disclaimer:  This is going to look and sound hard.  It is not.  My "student" ((that makes me laugh)) who I don't think had ever even made chicken that wasn't served in a bucket by the Colonel did this and so can you.  We are going to go slow, but it only takes about ten minutes to prep.  I swear.

What you need:

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/2 cup of flour
Salt and pepper
1 tablespoons EVOO
3 tablespoon butter
2 eggs
1 lemon
1/3 cup fresh grated Parmesan
2 cloves of garlic, minced
2 slices of Proscuitto
1/2 can of artichoke hearts
2 tablespoons of capers

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Place the flour and a few cracks of both sea salt and pepper into a gallon sized baggie and set it aside for a second.  In a pie pan, beat two eggs and then add the Parmesan.  Stir it around a little so the Parmesan is mixed in with the eggs.

Put the olive oil and 1 tablespoon of butter in a large, FLAT skillet or frying pan.  Let it melt and get sizzle-y but for God's sake, watch it.  You do NOT want the butter to brown so pay attention.  

While that is getting sizzle-y, take your chicken breasts and throw them in the baggie with the flour.  Shake them around until they are coated.  Pull them out of the bag, one by one, and dip them in the egg mixture.  Throw them in the sizzle-y pan and let them go for only about 90 seconds to 2 minutes per side.  DO NOT F*CK WITH THEM.  Just let them be and don't move them around.  We are NOT trying to cook them, so don't worry.  After two minutes, they will flip over easily and there will be a nice, golden crust on them.   Do the other side and then remove them to a plate.

In that same pan, melt the two remaining tablespoons of butter.  Add the minced garlic and the juice from a lemon.  Let it simmer for about 2 minutes, scraping up the brown stuff from the bottom of the pan.

While that is simmering, take 2 pieces of foil that are like 8 inches long and arrange them in a baking dish, side by side.  Spray them very, very lightly with cooking spray and then place a chicken breast in each one.  Fold up the edges of the foil a little bit to start making a packet.  Pour the sauce you just made into the packets.  

Now add a slice of proscuitto to each packet.  Throw some lightly chopped artichoke hearts on top of that and a tablespoon of capers.  They are going to be rolling around and falling off, that's okay.  Throw a little bit more of the grated Parmesan on top and then add a very, very, very thin slice of lemon to the top.  Wad up the top of the foil to make it a packet.  It doesn't not need to be super tight.  In fact, I think the one that didn't quite close up entirely might have been the best.  ((This is the part I did make up.))

Bake them for 35 minutes.  At 35 minutes, pull them out and open up the packets.  Put them back in the oven for another 5 minutes.  Pull them out and prepare to die happy.

The chicken literally falls apart and doesn't require a knife.  So, so good.  Serve with some roasted asparagus and some plain long-grained rice.  The rice will pick up the extra juices from the chicken and you will look like you are some kind of a superstar.  You will also be pissed at all the money you have wasted on dried out chicken at restaurants.

You're welcome.  

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