Birthday Vanilla French Toast and the Preface of the Manifesto

This.  This is what a birthday breakfast should look like...

Vanilla and cinnamon French toast with REAL butter, powdered sugar, and warm maple syrup.  Yes, please.  It was delicious.  Thanks for asking.

Indeed, it is my birthday.  ((No, I'm not admitting how old I am.))  It has been a great day thus far with a gzillion well-wishes from family and friends.  ((The most genuine and poetic probably being, "I love you a shit-load.))  The plans include lunch with Deb where calories don't count and drinks tonight with 25 or so of my favoritest people.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately ((no, I am not having a mid-life crisis, I'm too young for that...))  On a daily basis almost, I hear people saying how much they despise this, that, or the other thing.  How much they resent the list of crap they have to do.  You can just see how beaten down they are.  The thing that keeps going in my head is that all that bullshit that fills up your to-do list and your calendar-- those appointments to keep, people to meet, promises to follow-through on?  Those things are your life.  Not just the fun stuff.  It is the day-to-day minutiae that makes up 98% ((or quite possibly more)) of your life and you had better make damn sure that those things are the things and the people that you care about, that make you happy ((or at the very least not fracking miserable,)) and that make you someone worth knowing.

Consequently, as has been hinted at somewhat in these virtual pages, I am taking that challenge head on this year.  I've thought long and hard about what it is that I actually do that makes me feel more like me.  What it is that I look forward to the most.  What I would do if I had the time.  What I would do if I weren't too chicken-shit to try.  What I would and could do and possibly fail at like a goddamn champion.  Enough thinking.  I'm doing it.  And it starts right now. 

I'm not saying it is going to be easy.  But I know it will be worth it.

Busted But Not Busted Banana Bread

BLONDE MOMENT ALERT!  Yesterday, I had grand plans to give away of a couple of loaves of banana bread.  You see, I have this thing where I totally, entirely, and completely hate to waste food ((the therapist that I don't have will address that issue later)), add in that I love to bake stuff/make stuff, but I don't really eat any of it, and you have yourself a prime opportunity to score some homemade stuff off of me.  But...  I had a total space-out.  I don't really know what I was thinking or not thinking, but I forgot to add the sugar.  Oops.

So like any normal, totally odd person, I decided to announce my idiocy and my inability to give up on something on Facebook.  What resulted was about ten different ideas for how to resuscitate it.  And you know?  Some of those ideas are winners.  But let's start at the beginning.

What you need:

3-4 black bananas ((mashed))
1/3 cup of melted butter
1 cup of sugar ((AHEM))
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
pinch of salt
1 and 1/2 cups of flour

What you do:

Two or three weeks prior, maybe less, buy some bananas and then totally neglect them on the counter top.  They should look about like this:

 
Looks terrible right?  Nah, perfect.  Here's the thing though.  These are bananas that I get from the co-op where they are not gassed.  Apparently grocery stores and/or their suppliers ((I don't know which)) "gas" the bananas so that they look all nice and pretty and yellow.  Non-gassed bananas don't get quite that same color.  They go from looking green to brown and beat-up pretty quickly.  The insides of these were actually still basically intact.

Peel them and mash them up.  You can use a potato masher or the back of a spoon.  Whichever.  Mix the melted butter into them.  Now add the sugar, egg, and vanilla and combine.  Sprinkle the baking soda and the salt over the top of that mixture and fold it in.  ((Fold is a fancy way of saying take the stuff from the bottom of the bowl and put it on the top, repeatedly.))  Add the 1 1/2 cups of flour and stir.

Pour the batter into a greased loaf pan and bake at 350 for about an hour.  A toothpick inserted in the middle should come out clean when it is done.

It will look like this if you forgot the sugar:

This is the point where I started thinking, "Huh.  That's weird.  It looks like regular bread.  Oh well."

Had I not thought about it, I never would have realized my omission.  When I cut off an end to see just how bad it was, it actually tasted *basically* normal.  I could have given it to someone and they never would have known the difference.  That said, those bananas were quite sweet given how ripe they were.  However, we came up with a number of options for how to salvage it.

1.  Sprinkle it with splenda.  I tried a bite that way.  Damn good.
2.  Dump some maple syrup on it.  Also good.
3.  Add honey to it.  Super good.
4.  Drizzle a little agave on it.  Good.
5.  Add honey butter.  The goodest.  ((Yes, it's a word.))

At this point, I was over the whole experimenting process, but my lovely and talented fb friends also came up with the following ideas:  use it for French toast, make a base for bread pudding, smash it into ice cream, add chocolate or caramel sauce, cut it up into cubes and layer it in a trifle with fruit and honeyed whipped cream, top it with yogurt and fruit, or my personal favorite, smear it with frosting because why the hell not?

So there you have somebody's recipe for banana bread that has been in an email folder entitled "Recipes" since sometime in the late 90's which I sent to myself, so I no longer have any idea where it came from.

May you have better luck in actually adding everything that is called for.  Or maybe not.  Screwing something up and then working it out is a lot of the fun of cooking.  I think I'll mess things up more often.    

Brandied Brown Sugar Bread Pudding, Minions, and Officially Officialness

     I need a long weekend to recover from my long weekend.  Or minions.  Minions might be preferable.  The weekend was packed with cooking for a dinner for 30 on Saturday, my niece flying in during the preparation, another smaller party to cook for on Sunday, and spending the day with family on Monday.  All good stuff, but it greatly interrupted my regularly scheduled laziness.  

     The party on Saturday is what I shall now call my First Officially Official Event.  The menu was hot deviled crab dip, black-eyed pea salsa ((as previously discussed)), jambalaya, Cajun pulled pork, creole rice, baked beans, mini corn muffins with roasted green chiles and honey butter, and brandied brown sugar bread pudding.  Based on the feedback I've been given, no one dish was the clear favorite, so that means I get to decide.  ((Hey, it's my blog, I can do what I want to anyway.))  I originally thought the rice was going to be my overall favorite ((I "taste-tested" a completely unreasonable amount of it and will make it over and over again)), but that honor has been given instead to the bread pudding.

More Boozy Desserts by Jules

     I have always believed that bread pudding is disgusting.  I mean, seriously, who wants goopy stale bread?  Sick.  Apparently, I didn't know what bread pudding actually was because I was very, very wrong.  ((Mark it:  March 6, 2012. Jules admits she is wrong about something.))  This stuff is to die for.  Not goopy.  Not stale.  Totally sugary boozy yumminess.  This recipe basically came from a website called "A Taste of Home" with a couple of modifications.      

What you need:

1/2 cup of raisins ((unless you agree with me that raisins are disgusting and look like bugs and should be left out))
1/4 cup brandy ((or more, why not?))
1/2 cup of butter  ((melted and with one tablespoon divided out))
1 tablespoon sugar
4 eggs, slightly beaten
2 cups half and half
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
10 slices of day-old brioche bread, 1 inch thick, cubed

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a small saucepan, combine the raisins ((yuck)) and the brandy and bring them to a boil.  Cover and remove from heat to sit aside and marinate.  If you are leaving out the raisins, theoretically, you should still bring the brandy to a boil to burn off some of the alcohol, but if you don't, I won't tell anyone.  You can also use apple juice in place of the brandy if you want to be non-boozy.

Brush a glass pan with 1 tablespoon of the melted butter and sprinkle it with sugar.

In a large bowl combine the eggs, cream, brown sugar, vanilla, salt and nutmeg.  Stir in the remaining butter and the raisin/not bugs and brandy mixture.  Gently add in the bread and carefully swish it around.  Let it sit for about 15 minutes or until all the juice is soaked up.

Transfer it to the buttered and sugared baking dish and bake it at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes OR until a knife stuck in the middle comes out clean.

Now you need to make the sauce.

It requires:

1/2 cup of brown sugar
2 tablespoons of cornstarch
Dash of salt
3/4 cup of cold water
1 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
MORE brandy, but just a little.  Maybe 1/4 cup.

Just combine the brown sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a small saucepan and gradually add the water and brandy.  For the love of sugar, KEEP STIRRING IT.  You want to be sure the cornstarch isn't "lumping up" like your Aunt Edna's gravy.  Bring it to a boil and continue stirring for 2 minutes or until it is thickened up.  Remove from heat and stir in the butter and vanilla extract.

Some people say you should serve this on the side as a sauce.  I say to hell with that.  Dump it right on top and let it soak in.  If you make this a day ahead as I did, the sauce will turn into a caramel-ly type topping and be extra delicious.  Just reheat it in the oven or nuke it for a few seconds prior to serving.

Nutritional Info:  High treadmill alert.  When cut into 12 pieces, 1 piece is about 350 calories and 15 grams of fat.   Cut it into smaller pieces and eat two.  You'll feel better about yourself.  No, that doesn't make any sense.  That's not my fault.

*****

I'm off to bake a huge batch of my organic, vegan dog treats.  I made a batch about three weeks ago and have been giving them to people and demand has set in.  Now if I could just keep my dogs from staring at the oven while they bake...
    

Black-Eyed Pea Salsa, "Highly Very," and That Guy "Unknown" Says Some Good Stuff

This has been a highly, very good week.  ((There's a story that goes with the expression "highly very."  A good friend of ours about a thousand years ago or maybe closer to 2003 came back to our table at the restaurant and asked with the utmost sincerity, "Is the waitress highly in love me, very in love with me or highly, very in love with me?"  The phrase "highly very" has stuck.))  Regardless, this week has highly, very kicked ass.  Take it my word for it.

*****

It's going to be a big cooking weekend around here.  Tomorrow, I'm cooking for a housewarming party and I've been having probably more fun than should be allowed getting ready for it.  The menu consists of deviled crab dip and black-eyed pea salsa for the appetizers; the main course is jambalaya, cajun pulled pork, dirty rice, creole baked beans, and spicy corn muffins with honey butter; dessert is brandied brown sugar bread pudding.   The host had me design the menu around his ((totally not obvious from this description)) theme and loved all of the ideas, so I got to choose.  Win, win. 

Today I made the black-eyed pea salsa so that it can all marinate together overnight and be extra marinated-y.  ((No, I don't have a better ending to that sentence.))  Living in Arizona, we are at constant high salsa saturation levels and I thought an alternative to the regular tomato, pico de gallo, and tomatillo/verde salsa would be welcome.   

What you need:  ((to serve approximately 20))

2 lbs of black-eyed peas ((pre-soaked and rinsed))

6 medium tomatoes

1 chopped green pepper

1 cup chopped red onion

4 chopped green onions

2 garlic cloves, minced

1 cup Italian salad dressing

1/4 cup sour cream 

1/2 cup minced parsley

tortilla chips for serving

What to do:

Okay, news flash.  Black-eyed peas are not peas.  They are beans.  You would be surprised how many well-educated adults do not know this.  So you are going to find them by the bulk beans in the market.  ((You could theoretically buy the canned stuff, but where is the fun in that?))

Beans need to be soaked.  I used a quick-soak method because I lack patience, but I'm hurrying up and trying to work on that.  Basically, you rinse the beans thoroughly in a mesh colander.  Pick through them, practically one by one, to be sure there aren't any stones.  Add them to a large stock pot and add the amount of water that the bag prescribes, I used 8 cups.  Bring the pot to a rapid boil, let it go crazy for two minutes, then cover, and remove from the heat.  Let them sit for one hour.  Re-rinse them and you're good.

Dice up all of the vegetables.  Take note that if you are using a knife that has never been used before that it will be exceptionally sharp, make you realize how much your other knives suck, and might make you suffer from knife envy.   Add  your vegetables to a bowl with the drained and rinsed beans.  In a small bowl, combine the salad dressing and the sour cream and whisk it until you get a cramp.  Dump it on top of the bean/veg mixture, put a lid on it, and shake the living hell out of it until everything is well-coated.  Throw it in the refrigerator for at least 4 hours, but overnight is much better.  

Nutritional Info:  Not too shabby.  75 calories, 5 grams of fat for a 1/4 cup serving.  

Recipe adapted slightly from Taste of Home.

*****

I better get moving...  I have a massive amount of stuff going on in the next 3 days.  No complaints.  None at all.

Drollness, Rumminess, and a Case of the Hiccups

I just wrote a long, exceptionally detailed, and totally fracking droll post on how to host a dinner party, from the menu planning and preparation perspective.  I got so bored with myself, I just quit.  If anyone actually cares, and you probably don't, feel free to comment or email me and maybe I'll post it or just send it to you.  Gawd, I hate it when I bore myself.  That almost never happens.  I'm too weird for that.

*****

On that note, it was an exceptionally long morning that didn't end until 3 pm, so I'm probably still about to be boring.  Nah, doubtful.  Let's spice things up.  Rum cake.  Cake plus booze.  If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.  Right?  

Boozy

Back about a thousand years ago, I received an invitation to a party at some weird old broad's house which informed everyone what they were bringing and that I was bringing a rum cake.  ((I know this sounds like that old joke, but I'm dead serious.))   I, of course, didn't comply and instead developed a raging case of prostatitis to avoid attending.  She oddly, never figured out that my prostate was in fact, just fine.  Particularly given that, well, I don't have one.  

However, I have changed my ways.  Rum cake and I are now very good friends.  Maybe too good. 

Here's what you need:

RUM.  Lots.  Some for the cake too.

3 cups flour  

2 cups sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 cup butter

4 eggs

1 3.4 oz package of DRY instant vanilla pudding

1 1/2 cups milk

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla

1/2 cup rum

What to do:

Take a swig.  Check.

Add all of the ingredients to a bowl.  Mix at medium speed for two minutes and for Christ's sake do NOT overbeat it!  Pour into one large greased and floured bundt pan OR two smaller ((7 inch)) bundt pans.  Place in 350 degree preheated oven.  One large will take 50-60 minutes.  Two smaller will take 35-45 minutes.

Halfway through baking, put a piece of foil over the top to keep it from getting overly brown.  Feel free to test the rum again to make sure it hasn't somehow gone bad during the cooking process.  That would be a damn shame.

When time's up, place the cake still in the pan on a wire rack until it is thoroughly cooled.  This will take a while.  Once cooled, flip it upside down onto a plate.  Locate some long, skinny item to prick ((stop it)) the cake with.  Skewers or a meat thermometer will work just fine but any kind of a long pokey stick will suffice.  Yes, that's a technical term: Pokey Stick.  Prick ((can't help it)) the cake all over.  Prick.  Prick, prick, prick.  ((Wow, I'm immature.))

Now make the glaze.  You need 1/2 cup butter, 1/4 cup water, 3/4 cup sugar, and 1/2 cup dark rum.  Melt the butter in a saucepan, add the water and the sugar and let boil for 5 minutes.  Then add the rum.  No, you're right.  It totally didn't burn off.  At all.  Sorry.  Drizzle the glaze all over the cake, making sure it makes it into the holes and down the sides.  Let it soak up all the rummy goodness.  Again, this gets better as it sits, not that you will let that happen.

Nutritional Info:  Who cares?  At this point, you've had too much rum to worry about it.

This recipe was printed in the L.A. Times sometime in the 80's and came to me via the power of the Google in several locations.  

Cheers.    

Corn Flake Chicken, Crinkle-Cut Squash Fries, and Shopping List OCD

This morning, after work-work, I tackled the construction of what is now known as "The World's Most Detailed and Complicated Shopping List."  There were lists, sublists, flowcharts, Venn Diagrams...  ((I'm cooking for an event on Saturday and there are eight dishes to prepare.))  I started with an ingredient list by dish, then compiled that into a list that covered absolutely everything (listing quantities for items used in two or more dishes), and then rearranged all of that by store category ((bakery, produce, meat, etc)).  It was actually quite hilarious, but dammit, I have every single thing I need.  Second trips are for losers.  Yes, there was checking and cross-checking and perhaps a form of a rain dance.  Whatever works.

Because I was shopping on someone else's dime, I had to be very careful.  And here is when I had item #347 of proof that people are assholes.  I'm walking through the market, crossing things off the various lists, and I have a calculator where I am keeping track of the total.  Because I don't trust myself, or technology, more so, I was also keeping the total written on yet another list to be sure that I didn't erase the whole thing accidentally and have a nervous breakdown.  This horrible woman with bad teeth and very unflattering pants actually had the goddamn nerve to come up to me and say, "If you have to count every penny, maybe you shouldn't be here and you definitely shouldn't be buying crab."  And that's when I got arrested.

Just kidding.

I actually did manage to hold my tongue and as sweetly as possible ((through the venom that was seeping from every pore)), "Thank you for your concern.  It is unnecessary."  Now OF COURSE I have about 389 come-backs to that, but I decided it would be good karma or something to just move along.  And then tell all my friends on the internet about how fracking unfortunate her capris were and how she really should look into varicose vein removal.  PEOPLE.

*****

Anyway, tonight's menu is Corn Flake Chicken and Crinkle-Cut Squash Fries.

Clean Living

For the chicken:
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts  ((I actually used chicken tenderloins because I'm not eating much meat these days))
1/2 cup of Corn Flakes
Various spices, just a little of each  ((minced garlic, onion powder, black pepper, sea salt, and cayenne is what I used))

Preheat the oven to 350.

Pour the corn flakes into a small plastic baggy.  Add a pinch or a shake or a couple shakes or however the hell much you want of each of the spices into the bag.  ((Here's where it gets fun.))  Seal the bag and throw it on the floor.  Walk on it.  Jump up and down.  Do the choreography to Bad Romance.  ((I know you know it.  Or can at least fake it.))  Now you don't need to pulverize it, but if you are having fun, well then, more power to you.  Keep going.

Recover and breathe deep.  Add the chicken to the baggie and shake it around.  Resist the urge to quote 1980's Shake and Bake commercials.  Add the chicken to a baking dish ((NOT IN THE BAGGIE)) sprayed with cooking spray and throw in the oven for approximately 40 minutes.  ((This might be longer depending on how big your breasts are.  Sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  For 4 ounce, thin breasts, it takes about 30 minutes.  For 8 ounce breasts, closer to 40.  12?  45-50.  You can always cut into the thickest part when it is about time to be sure there is no pink left in it.  There's no shame here.))

Oh cluck.

While that is cooking, make the squash fries.

All you need is a yellow squash, the same spices you used above, and some more cooking spray.  Slice up the squash ((and hope you have the awesome crinkle cut attachment that I have because it looks fancy.))  Spray a cookie sheet with cooking spray.  Throw the squash on there in a single layer.  At this point you can either mist or drizzle it with extra virgin olive oil OR you can spray it with the cooking spray.  I swear.  It tastes totally fine.  It also saves between 100-200 calories if you care about that sort of thing.  Then sprinkle the spices over the top.  ((I also added this applewood rub that I got yesterday because I wanted to sample it.  That's why mine looks different than yours probably will.))

When there is about 15 minutes left on the chicken, put the squash on the top rack of the oven.  Keep an eye on them to make sure you don't burn them.  Again, depending on the thickness, the time will vary.  I cut these pretty thinly and let them go for about 10 minutes.  You could also use the broiler if you aren't using the oven for anything else...

Fake Fries

You are a child of the 80's if you said, "And I helped."

Nutritional Info:  Sainthood!  For a 4 ounce chicken breast and making the squash without additional olive oil,  approximately 150 calories and 1 gram of fat.

Almost Birthday Presents, 998, and Toaster Phobia

Quick update today because I have a million and twelve things to do.  Yes, that number is precise.  I happen to be sure of that because I counted the items on the to-do list rather than, you know, actually doing the items on the to-do list.  It turns out getting up at 4 am, cranking out some work, leaving by 7, attempting to be in two places which are 25 miles apart at once, meeting up with friends for Thai food for lunch, and generally flailing around like a dolphin on meth is NOT good for your focus.  

However, despite all that, there has been some major progress made today...  LLC's are being registered ((KJ rules,)) the rest of the cards came, hit up a friend for design work, finalized the menu and shopping list for Saturday's event ((which is going to be totally amazing,)) worked on the menu for Sunday's event, spent two hours studying, went to the gym for an hour, and somehow, I am still maintaining an upright position.  And then this happened.  LOOK what came today!

Happy Almost Birthday, Jules

 I know, right?  Best and heaviest birthday box ever.

*****

In bloggy news, last night I posted on FB that I had 910 hits on this site in two weeks.  As I am writing this, I am at 998.  Thank you so much to everyone who is playing along, enjoying the recipes and my general goofiness, commenting, asking for recipes for toast ((HD)), etc etc etc.  Reminder: you can "follow" by the link that I think I got to work in the upper right hand corner via a reader, get email updates, or play along on FB...   Here is the link to the FB page.

*****

What you need:

2 slices bread
butter or margarine

What you do:

Put bread in toaster.  Push button.  Wait for pop-up of toaster.  Get sort of scared when it does it because you have stuck your face quite near the toaster to see if it is done yet.  Apply butter or margarine.  Enjoy!

*****

Now leave me alone.  I have to go play with all my new stuff.