Cake Batter Truffles, A Shot of Insulin, and Bourdainmania

Last week, I announced that I thought Tony Bourdain might be my spirit animal... After devouring his latest book, "Medium Raw," in less than 24 hours, I am now convinced that he is not just my spirit animal, but perhaps my long-lost ((and oddly enough at least 15 years old than I am)) twin ((science is funny stuff)) or at the very least, my soul mate ((which is tricky because I don't really believe in soul mates, but I don't know how to get across the depth of feeling I have for this person.))

This passage is when I knew our bond was true:  "...members of families who eat together regularly are statistically less likely to stick up liquor stores, blow up meth labs, give birth to crack babies, commit suicide, or make donkey porn."  YES.  A thousand times YES.

All hyperbole aside, it really is a stellar, funny book that is a bit of a gossipy, insider view into an elite foodie and traveller scene.  You should read it.  Now.  He talks shit about Emeril and a whole bunch of other famous people.  I love that.

Let's make something not terribly foodie like... Cake Batter Truffles.

What you need:


Recipe source: The Girl Who Ate Everything

1 ½ cups flour
1 cup yellow cake mix
½ cup unsalted butter, softened
½ cup white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/8 teaspoon salt
3-4 Tablespoons milk
2 Tablespoons sprinkles

Truffle Coating:
16 ounces ((8 squares)) almond bark ((or white candy melts))
4 Tablespoons yellow cake mix
Sprinkles

Beat together the butter and sugar using an electric mixer until combined. Add the cake mix, flour, salt, and vanilla and mix thoroughly. Add 3 Tablespoons of milk ((or more if needed)) to make a dough-like consistency.  Roll dough into one-inch balls and place on a parchment or wax paper lined cookie sheet. Chill balls in the refrigerator for 15 minutes to firm  them up.

((Side note: come back tomorrow to see what search terms have led people here.  I've managed to use "donkey porn" already and now I'm on a personal mission to write "balls" as many times as possible.  Balls.))

While the dough balls are chilling, melt the almond bark in the microwave in 30 second intervals until melted. Stir in between intervals. Once melted, quickly stir in cake mix until incorporated completely. Using a fork, dip the balls into the almond bark.  Shake off the excess by tapping the bottom of the fork on the side of your bowl.  Do not become frustrated when you repeatedly drop the entire thing into the bowl. However, quit doing it the exact same way and being surprised when that keeps happening.  Place the truffle back on the cookie sheet and top with sprinkles. Repeat with remaining balls until finished.  ((Balls.))

Chill cake batter truffles in the refrigerator until serving. Makes around 24-30 truffles.

Use the leftover bark to dip some strawberries too.

These are SWEET.  I'm not kidding.  They are like scream your fillings out, beg for an insulin drip, smack my ass and call me Sally, sweet.  A little will go a long way.  See also:  If you see me bring these to some kid's birthday party, you can be assured I either hate the little bastard or the little bastard's parents and you can guarantee that I will not stay very long because the sugar rush that will occur is apt to throw the planets out of their orbits.

Wine Poached Pears and TFN's Unintended Hilarity

You know, if I keep this up, people might get the impression I'm getting back in the groove.  It just might happen.  I am actually going to be making something for the first time in two weeks over the weekend, first for a barbecue and then I'm doing a dinner party Sunday, so we will see if I somehow lost whatever instinct I may have in Mexico.  I remain hopeful.

This was a dessert we also had in Manzanillo... This recipe is a combination of what we could discern from the staff with a little help from Epicurious.

Pretty, huh?

What you need:

4-6 peeled pears ((look for Bosc or Anjou))

1 1/2 cups of red wine ((I maintain you can use table wine or something you may not especially care for))

3/4 cups of granulated sugar

2 tablespoons of lemon juice 

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 teaspoons of cinnamon

What to do:

Add everything but the pears to a sauce pan and bring to a boil.  Once boiling, take the heat down to a simmer ((small bubbles)) and add the pears.  Simmer them for 10 or so minutes WITHOUT STIRRING.  ((Sorry about the yelling, but I know how you people are.  Fidgety.  That's how you are.  Fidgety.))  Turn the pears and continue simmering for another 8-10 minutes.  They are done when the pears are tender and forkable.  ((You remember forkability, right?  Right.))

Remove the pears from the pan and set aside to allow to cool.

Crank the heat back up and boil the wine sauce.  Keep boiling it until the total amount in the pan is cut in half.  ((That's called making a reduction.  Feel free to gloat.))

Arrange pears for serving and drizzle with the sauce.  If you are trying to impress someone or maybe even just impress yourself, top with marscapone, creme fraiche, or Devonshire cream ((not pictured.))

*****

That reminds me...  This morning I turned on the Food Network for some background noise/distraction.  There was some super cheesy ((not literally)) show on about making a romantic dinner.  The host/demonstrator then says something to the effect of, "Feel free to romance yourself, too!"  I almost lost a lung I was laughing so hard.  ((HI DEB.))

Tres Leches and a Slow Return to Reality

Hola!  Yes, I am alive and well.  We had a truly incredible week in Manzanillo.  It was everything and nothing that I expected.  I can go on about it for hours and have thoroughly tortured everyone I know with photos and stories and then more photos.

The property we stayed at had the most incredible food.  Every morning, we would select what would be served the following day.  I, of course, quickly commandeered this task and embarked on a "write-in" mission which probably drove the chef, Pilar, insane but was a lot of fun for me.  One day we requested Tres Leches, literally, Three Milks, which is a form of cake.  I managed to finagle the recipe out of Pilar.

Disclaimer:  I have not attempted this recipe yet... There was a bit of a language gap as well.  I have filled in a few items that I think may have been lost in translation with some help from The Pioneer Woman.  Consider yourselves warned.

What you need:


1 cup All-purpose Flour
1-1/2 teaspoon Baking Powder
1/4 teaspoon Salt
5 whole Eggs
1 cup Sugar, Divided
1 teaspoon Vanilla
1/3 cup Milk
1 can Evaporated Milk
1 can Sweetened, Condensed Milk
1/4 cup Heavy Cream
_____
FOR THE ICING:
1 pint Heavy Cream, For Whipping
3 Tablespoons Sugar

What to do:


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9 x 13 inch pan very liberally with spray.  When you think it is coated, do it again.

Combine flour, baking powder, and salt in a large bowl and set aside.

Separate the eggs.  Get a little frustrated.  Shake it off.

Beat egg yolks with 3/4 cup sugar on high speed until yolks are a pale yellow. Then stir in the milk and vanilla.

Pour egg yolk mixture over the flour mixture and stir it together very, very gently, just until combined.

Beat egg whites on high speed until soft peaks form. ((Soft peaks means that when you lift the beaters out of the eggs, there are little "hills" which then sink back down.))  With the mixer on, pour in remaining 1/4 cup sugar and beat until egg whites are stiff but not dry.  ((At this point, the hills will be more like mountains and will stay that way.))

Fold egg white mixture into the batter very gently until just combined. Pour into prepared pan and spread it evenly.

Bake for 35 to 45 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Turn cake out onto a platter with a lip on it and allow to cool.

Combine condensed milk, evaporated milk, and heavy cream in a small pitcher. When cake is cool, stab the surface with a fork several times.  Don't get totally aggressive, this is not therapy time. Slowly drizzle all but about 1 cup of the milk mixture onto the cake—try to get as much around the edges of the cake as you can.  ((Yes, you are going to have some left over milk mixture.  These things come in premeasured cans, so we just have to deal with it.))

Allow the cake to soak it up for 30 minutes.

To ice the cake, whip 1 pint heavy cream with 3 tablespoons of sugar until thick and spreadable.
Spread over the surface and decorate with slices of peaches or mangos to make yourself feel fancy. Cut into squares and serve.

Nutritional Info:  A gazillion calories.  Seriously, a lot.  This is a once in a while treat, so don't sweat it.

*****

The return to reality has been a little slow, as you might guess.  7 days of having exactly nothing to do will do that to you.  Add in a mid-week holiday, and it is a total disaster.

We will have lots more recipes from Mexico coming up in the next while!  Yes, I take requests so if there is something you are dying for, settle down a little and then let me know!

Banana Soft Serve Ice Cream, Technical Issues, and Drinking the Kool-Aid

I've been worshipping at the house of Marie Forleo lately.  Big time.  If you don't know who she is, and I didn't until very recently, she is an entrepreneur who now specializes in teaching people, women in particular, about how to grow their online businesses, even if you don't have a clue about anything, but you have a great idea that you really believe in.  ((That is a terrible summary, but if you are a woman looking to grow your business, go drink her Kool-Aid.  Chug it.  It's delicious.))  One of the things she said in one of the initial presentations has really stuck with me:  Everything is figure-out-able.  Holy shit, truer words.

I've spent the last two days figuring it out.  Figuring what out?  Everything.  When I started this blog, it seemed like a gigantic undertaking.  I didn't know how to set one up, how to add pictures, how to get a name, how to get anyone to actually see it, nothing.  Yet, in the past couple of days, I have been working on my website, adding features to it, getting the Twitter feed added to both it and this blog, and building an entirely new site from scratch.  I do NOT know how to write code.  Shit, I don't even really know what that means.  Yet, somehow, I've done it.  Oh and Google is amazing.  You can type the stupidest question ever in and there is someone as dumb as you are who necessitated step-by-step instructions with pictures being written.  Brilliant!  ((By the way, go check out the new site.  It is still a work in progress, so don't judge me too harshly!))

*****

Speaking of figuring things out, you should really make this:  Fake soft serve ice cream that I swear on Beyonce's vocal cords does not taste like fake soft serve.  I originally saw this idea on Pinterest somewhere, but didn't pin it.  After reading about it, I started trying to re-create it many, many times to a series of glorious fails.

Photo via Pinterest

What you need:

Frozen over-ripe bananas ((3-4))
1 cup of some kind of berry ((blue berries, strawberries, blackberries))
A food processor ((mandatory))

What to do:

Put the frozen bananas and berries in a food processor and start pulsing it.  Don't rush this because it changes consistency FAST.  As it pulses, you will see if break up into little dots... that's your signal that it is almost done.  A few more pulses and seriously, you will get what is pictured above.  It is smooth and creamy like real ice cream.  It doesn't have a strong banana taste at all.  In fact, you will be hard pressed to detect the banana taste at all.

Now let me tell you what doesn't work:  letting the bananas soften up out of the freezer, using a blender ((not sure why)), adding milk, adding ice, adding Splenda or some other sweetener.  There were a bunch of us on Facebook that were trying to accomplish the result pictured above and it really is best to keep it simple.

This is the PERFECT summer treat for people who can't do dairy or who are looking to cut a few calories.  This is approximately 200 calories for a single serving ((the proportions given above)) and no  fat.  Smart, right?  Right.

*****

Okay, back to doing some more editing!



  

Blackberry Cobbler, Blackberry Sauce, and Deep Seated Dreams

Tell me just how sick this is:  I had a dream about blackberry cobbler.  A very vivid, very detailed dream about eating cobbler.  No, this isn't some messed up, deeply seated... ((Is it "seated" or "seeded?"  Hold on.  Googling.  Don't you love stream of consciousness writing?  Me too. Oh hell, apparently there is a raging linguistic debate on this topic.  In the sense I am using it, deep seated is correct, however, it is pronounced as "seeded."  Well, well, well.  Huh.))  As I was saying, this isn't some messed up, deeply SEATED metaphor for sex, creative angst, or unresolved issues with my father, it was just that:  Cobbler.  With blackberries.  And real whipped cream.  With blackberry sauce.   I need a Food Network intervention.  

DREAMS COME TRUE!

This is so ridiculously easy, even a seven-year-old can do it.  In fact, it is so basic I have it memorized which is probably a bad thing because one day I'm dreaming of cobbler, the next day I'm making it in my sleep.  Recipe from the Pioneer Woman with a couple of twists.

What you need:

1 cup of flour

1 tsp of baking powder

1 pinch of salt

1 cup of sugar

1 cup of milk

1 stick of melted butter

2 cups of blackberries

**An additional 1/4 cup of sugar for the topping ((optional))

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Butter an eight inch square baking dish well.

Mix everything BUT the blackberries together.  Pour the batter into the baking dish.  Drop the blackberries in, attempting to spread them out so they are evenly distributed.  ((If you have just washed them, you don't need to dry them, just shake as much water off as you can.))  Top by sprinkling with an additional 1/4 cup of sugar if you want to.  I actually used a little less.

Bake for 60 minutes or until the top is golden brown.  

HOW FRACKING EASY WAS THAT?!

Want to make it really pretty?  Add a blackberry sauce drizzled over it or make one of those swirly plate decoration things for it.   This recipe is from cooks.com.  

What you need:

2/3 c. butter, melted

1 1/2 tbsp. cornstarch

1 1/4 c. sugar

Dash of salt

1/4 c. orange juice

2 c. fresh or frozen blackberries

What to do:

Start by melting the butter in a saute pan.  Add in the cornstarch and whisk them together.  Add all the remaining ingredients and cook over low heat, stirring constantly ((yes, this part sucks)), until it is thickened.  This will take at least ten minutes, maybe a little longer.  

Once thickened, run the sauce through a very fine mesh sieve to remove the seeds and the stems.  ((I didn't do this the first time I made it and I liked it fine.  I thought the seeds made it look cool.))  

Store in a tupperware container in the refrigerator.  This will make about 2 cups so you will have plenty left over for pancakes, French toast, ice cream, or random spoonfuls.  ((Once refrigerated, it gets kind of solid.  Just micro it for a few seconds to get the consistency back.))

Definitely top with real whipped cream and serve warm.

*****

All right,  I have a bunch of things to accomplish this afternoon.  The fact that it is going to be 110 degrees is NOT helping.  GAH.  More cobbler, please.

***** 

Grand Marnier Souffle with Creme Anglaise, Slobberloaf (tm), and Laundry Lists

There is a raging storm outside...  It's the desert, so I'm sure it will last all of ten minutes max.  However, it is a distinct Phoenix phenomena that when it rains, every six months or so, we all go stand outside and stare at it and immediately turn into the biggest driving wimps on the planet.  I have driven in pure white-out blizzards, on black ice, and in six feet of snow and there is no way in hell I am going out in a little rain here.  Although I will say, my ability to drive in snow has completely disappeared as well, so maybe I don't actually have a point.  Disregard.

Today in an attempt to be as completely random as possible, apparently, I embarked on two very distinct cooking projects:  Grand Marnier Souffles with Creme Anglaise and ... well ... Slobberloaf.  I'll explain.  I was contacted by a business in downtown Phoenix about providing my dog treats for their customers.  The treats were such a hit, that they then wanted to know if I could do entrees.  Accordingly, Slobberloaf is an entree for dogs.  It is essentially the same as a regular meatloaf you would make for yourself, but without all of the spices.  However, as I placed several pounds of ground beef and fresh vegetables in the oven, no shit, I could actually hear my father's voice say, "JESUS CHRIST!  WHAT THE HELL?!"  If he weren't already gone, this would have killed him.  Of all the bullshit I have pulled in my life that he found offensive, this is the ultimate insult.  Anyway, I actually have four mini-loaves and the assorted roasted vegetables in the fridge to be delivered to my testers once this sky explosion stops.  I freely admit that while this was cooking, I decided I was trying a bite.  It's good!  And oh my God, Kirin, my chow/retriever mix, lost her damn mind.  I have a very firm rule about No Dogs in the Kitchen and I couldn't peel her away.  I think this is going to be a hit.  Check it out:

Ground beef with potatoes, carrots, and celery

I'm positive that I could have passed this off as a regular recipe and no one would have known the difference.  I'll see what my test subjects have to say and if they all agree, these will be for sale shortly!

My other project is part of my French Ambition Tour.  As I have mentioned, I recently read My Life in France ((Julia Child's life story of her years in Paris)) and received Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  This has inspired me to attempt to learn to make some things which frankly, I can't pronounce, but what the hell. I'm planning to make the souffles on Sunday for Mother's Day, but decided I really should give them a test run.  I think they turned out really well, especially for a first try.  I am also now a pro when it comes to separating eggs.  Here are some pics:

Immediately out of the oven

Yum

Glorious

With the Creme Anglaise

I managed to restrain myself and only had a couple of bites of one.  It really is tragic they don't keep.  Although, I can admit I had a piece of the edge of one an hour later and yep, still good.

In other non-cooking news, I have finished the coursework for my personal training certification and now just need to devote 5-6 hours to taking the online exam.  I have also been hired to do two freelance articles which I am really, really excited about.  Tomorrow I am delivering the menus I constructed to the Bed and Breakfast that is interested in using me.  There is so much going on that it is scaring the shit the out of me.  My twitch is back.

It appears the rain is subsiding a little, so I'm going to go deliver the Slobberloaves....  Credit for the name to my Cousin Cecily who said she had heard it referred to as such, but Google didn't corroborate that.  I'm taking the name.  I dig it.

Cherry Coke Float Cupcakes, Pressure Cooking, and Rorschach Tests

Boring cupcakes are just that.  Boring.  For just a little bit more work, you can do something cool, so why not?  <<Sees heads nodding in agreement.>>  That's what I thought.  That's why I like you people.  Today let's do Cherry Coke Float Cupcakes.

These basically replicate an old-fashioned soda fountain float in that the cupcake is topped with whipped cream and a cherry ((which I keep mistyping as "cheery" which is really not in my wheel-house.)) 

The one in the center, hiding between the samoa cupcake and red velvet cheesecake.

 This recipe is slightly adapted from Nigella Lawson's, "How to Be a Domestic Goddess."

What you need for 12:

1 1/2 cups flour

3/4 cup sugar

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1 large egg

1/2 cup buttermilk

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup unsalted butter

3 tbs cocoa powder

3/4 cup Coca-Cola

1/4 cup maraschino cherry syrup

24 maraschino cherries

1 can of Reddi-Whip ((because how can this possibly go wrong?!))

What to do:

Preheat the oven to 350.  Line your muffin tin with muffin papers and make sure they are cute, dammit.

In one bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking soda, and salt.  Set aside.

All the dry, white stuff goes in this bowl.

In a second bowl, combine the egg, buttermilk, and vanilla by whisking the hell out of them.  Set aside.

All the wet, yellow-y white stuff goes in this bowl.

Take your jar of maraschino cherries and drain the juice into a small sauce pan.  ((Save the cherries!))  Add the Coke ((and use regular coke, not diet)), bring it to a boil, and let it boil gently for 5 minutes.  Boiling gently means there are still plenty of bubbles in the brew, but it isn't going apeshit.  Stir it occasionally, scraping the bottom, to be sure you aren't burning the cherry juice.

Bubbly Coke

After 5 minutes, remove it from the heat and throw in the butter and the chocolate.  It should melt the butter quite quickly, but if not, put it back on the burner for a couple of seconds to speed things up.  Keep stirring!

With the butter and chocolate

Pour the contents of the sauce pan into the bowl with the dry ingredients.  

Stir.

This is not a Rorschach Test ((however you spell that))

At this point, feel free to get a little concerned that this appears to be NOTHING like cupcake batter.  I did.  

Add the wet ingredients from Bowl #2 and stir.  Give a sigh of relief.

That's workable

Mix well and fill your cupcake liners.  

NOW.  These do not "fluff up" like some cupcakes do.  Go ahead and fill the liners at least 3/4's of the way full.  ((I use a 1/4 cup measuring doo-hickey to fill them.  It is about the right amount and the stuff doesn't slop all over.))  

((Pretend there is a picture here.  I was on such a picture-taking roll.))

Smush a maraschino cherry in the middle of each one and bake for 15 minutes OR until a cake tester/toothpick comes out clean.  ((I want to say it took closer to 20 minutes for mine.))

Allow them to cool and then top with aerosol Reddi-Whip.  Use a lot.  Why?  It's fun.  Add another cherry on top.  

So cute.  And the cherry is off-center.

Now, let me say this because maybe this isn't obvious...  You need to "frost" these IMMEDIATELY before serving.  Otherwise, the whipped cream will basically melt all over.  Want more fun?  Have the kids ((or 30-year-old kids, whatever)) frost their own.  No party is complete without a can of Reddi-Whip anyway, right?  Oh what?  Um, hi relatives!  I don't know what I meant there either.  Disregard.

Nutritional Info: Who cares?!  Just kidding.  The buttermilk, butter, syrup, and chocolate situation made these into a situation.  Approximately 325 calories per serving.  Whoops.  Have one and have a salad for dinner.  

*****

Off to finish working on a tasting menu for a Bed and Breakfast that is interested in having me do events and weddings!  Gah!  PRESSURE!  Just kidding.  The pressure is good for me.  It keeps me honest.  And even if it doesn't work out, it is excellent practice for the next time.  We got this.  

Sopapilla Cheesecake, Pronunciation Guides, and Time Outs

As I mentioned yesterday, last night I delivered dinner to a friend and for dessert, I made a sopapilla cheesecake.  I was googling around looking for unusual Mexican-style desserts and this practically jumped out of the screen at me from amidst eleventy billion recipes for flan.  This comes to us courtesy of Allrecipes.com.

Sopapillas ((soap-a-pee-yas for you Gringos)) are fluffy pastries with cinnamon and sugar and that are typically drizzled with honey.  In this recipe, they are layered with a more traditional cheesecake.

I posted this picture on Facebook and it blew up with various levels of begging for the recipe or for me to deliver either a piece or an entire pan to their home/office/secret-away-from-the-kids-eating-place.

What you need:


3 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 (8 ounce) cans crescent roll dough
1/2 cup melted butter
1/2 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Go:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Using your mixer, combine the three packages of cream cheese ((I actually used the reduced-fat version which now seems vaguely ridiculous)), the sugar, and the vanilla.  Beat it until it is totally smooth, being sure to scrape the sides and bottom of the mixing bowl.

Lay out the crescent rolls on a piece of waxed paper.  Each tube contains a long sheet that you would normally divide into eight separate rolls, but instead, roll out the dough with a rolling pin to make it the same size as your pan.  ((I used a 9 x 13 glass dish.))  It's a little hard to work with because it is kind of sticky and it doesn't help that it was 82 degrees in my house when I was doing this, but I REFUSE to turn on the air until this weekend when we hit 100 degrees.  ((UGH.))  This isn't going to be perfect, it doesn't have to be.  Don't sweat it.  Repeat with the second tube of dough.

After spraying the dish with cooking spray, lay one of the rolled out crescent dough sheets in the bottom.  On top of that, spread all of the cream cheese/sugar/vanilla concoction.  Put the other layer of dough on top of that.

Pour the melted butter over the top of the whole works.

In a small bowl, mix together the cinnamon and sugar.  Sprinkle this into the butter.

Bake for approximately 45 minutes until the dough is golden brown and fluffy.  Let it cool completely before cutting ((yeah, good luck with that.))  Keep the leftovers ((if you have any)) in the refrigerator, tightly covered.

*****

I finally had to declare myself on hiatus for a couple of days.  I've been running around like a maniac and needed to call a time out!  I have a brunch and trunk show this Sunday at the house and let's just say, my cleaning lady?  She doesn't exist.  I also need to do a bunch of baking for that, get my vendors organized, hopefully make the sauce for canning if these effing tomatoes ever ripen up, and figure out the menu.  Add in that I am filming on Saturday for a cooking segment ((SQUEEE!!)) and I really needed a day or two to get prepared.  Now what the hell am I going to wear for Saturday?!  How am I going to keep myself from goddamn swearing?!  This may go straight to youtube.  I'm thinking it will be quite entertaining.  
 

Tuna Salad-Salad, Photo Failure, and OHMYGODIWANTTHATNOW

Last night I went out to make dinner for my mother and a couple of her friends.  I specifically decided upon making Chicken Parmesan so that I could a) test it out and b) take photos for this little corner of the internet.  Guess what I forgot to do?  Ugh, I suck at this.  It might have been that the three of them had been sitting at the table, perhaps pounding their forks in anticipation, for quite some time.  ((Just kidding.  Well, about the fork-pounding part.))  Or it could just be that I'm an airhead.  ANYWAY, it really did turn out well and I was so presumptuous about it being forkably-tender that I didn't put out any knives.  Total service fail.  I really need to pull it together.

Today, I am playing catch-up on about a million different projects and opted for a quick lunch.  It's Tuesday, which means we are still pretty much behaving on our diets, so this is a good option:  Tuna Salad-Salad.

 
Needed:

One package of tuna ((I buy the Albacore Starkist kind which is packed in water.  It costs a little more than the other stuff, but it is much better and doesn't look like cat food.  The stuff that is packed in oil is just gross and you should stop doing that.))
1 tablespoon fat-free mayo
1 tablespoon pickle relish
1/2 tablespoon dried minced onion
1/4 teaspoon celery seed
Black pepper
Lemon
Romaine
1/3 of a tomato
1 tablespoon of balsamic dressing ((I like Paul Newman's because I like Paul Newman.))
1 tablespoon or so of Parmesan cheese

What to do:

In a small bowl, mix together the tuna, mayo, relish, onion, and celery seed.  Crack a little black pepper on top and squeeze the lemon over it.  ((If I had regular celery, I would have chopped some up and put it in there but alas, no.  Life is hard sometimes.  If you were my mother, you would also add those shoestring potato fries.  I'm not against it, I just don't dare buy them or I will end up with my face stuck in the bottom of the can.))  Set the bowl aside for the moment.

Chop up the romaine and tomato, throw it on a plate, and then add the dressing.  Scoop your tuna salad on top, sprinkle on some Parmesan, and there you have it... Tuna Salad-Salad.

Yes, that was incredibly simple and probably totally useless knowledge.  However, I have committed to posting here every day and goddammit when I commit to something, I do it overzealously and with an unreasonable level of attachment.

*****

I am back to a million other things, but yesterday as I was running around working on the details of the dinner with less than an hour to spare, I posted on FB, "If I'm making chicken parm on spaghetti with garlic bread, what's for dessert?!"  Here is the best answer which we MUST try:

Profiteroles

Those. Look. Amazing.  And I don't even really like desserts.

Hi, "My Drunk Kitchen," and Live Action Cooking

Just really quickly wanted to drop in and say hi, so "Hi!!!!"  ((Waves vigorously.))  That's another dumb joke that originated on FB that I no longer remember the details of.  I really should look into whatever that herb is that improves your memory but I can't remember what it is called.  Argh.

I'm off to do a party for ((I think)) 15 or 20.  And we are doing it LIVE.  Meaning, I am cooking there and people will theoretically be watching.  Don't tell the host or any of the guests, but I've never attempted any of the three dishes I am doing.  It is not terribly unusual for me to take things to events or serve things in my own home that I've never attempted before without an opportunity for a do-over, but typically then there are no witnesses to the various, "OH SHIT"'s, "Oh well"'s, and the "WHOOPS, eff it"'s.  This could be very entertaining.  I'll be sure to make the wine pours heavy just in case.  Someone should really take video.  It might look a lot like this:

Anyway, I'm making baked artichoke cups ((involves wonton wrappers which I predict I will have a terrible time separating, just a hunch)), three cheese roasted veggie pizzas, and a strawberry amaretto pastry.  We shall see how they turn out.

Wish me luck!  

Brandied Brown Sugar Bread Pudding, Minions, and Officially Officialness

     I need a long weekend to recover from my long weekend.  Or minions.  Minions might be preferable.  The weekend was packed with cooking for a dinner for 30 on Saturday, my niece flying in during the preparation, another smaller party to cook for on Sunday, and spending the day with family on Monday.  All good stuff, but it greatly interrupted my regularly scheduled laziness.  

     The party on Saturday is what I shall now call my First Officially Official Event.  The menu was hot deviled crab dip, black-eyed pea salsa ((as previously discussed)), jambalaya, Cajun pulled pork, creole rice, baked beans, mini corn muffins with roasted green chiles and honey butter, and brandied brown sugar bread pudding.  Based on the feedback I've been given, no one dish was the clear favorite, so that means I get to decide.  ((Hey, it's my blog, I can do what I want to anyway.))  I originally thought the rice was going to be my overall favorite ((I "taste-tested" a completely unreasonable amount of it and will make it over and over again)), but that honor has been given instead to the bread pudding.

More Boozy Desserts by Jules

     I have always believed that bread pudding is disgusting.  I mean, seriously, who wants goopy stale bread?  Sick.  Apparently, I didn't know what bread pudding actually was because I was very, very wrong.  ((Mark it:  March 6, 2012. Jules admits she is wrong about something.))  This stuff is to die for.  Not goopy.  Not stale.  Totally sugary boozy yumminess.  This recipe basically came from a website called "A Taste of Home" with a couple of modifications.      

What you need:

1/2 cup of raisins ((unless you agree with me that raisins are disgusting and look like bugs and should be left out))
1/4 cup brandy ((or more, why not?))
1/2 cup of butter  ((melted and with one tablespoon divided out))
1 tablespoon sugar
4 eggs, slightly beaten
2 cups half and half
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
10 slices of day-old brioche bread, 1 inch thick, cubed

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a small saucepan, combine the raisins ((yuck)) and the brandy and bring them to a boil.  Cover and remove from heat to sit aside and marinate.  If you are leaving out the raisins, theoretically, you should still bring the brandy to a boil to burn off some of the alcohol, but if you don't, I won't tell anyone.  You can also use apple juice in place of the brandy if you want to be non-boozy.

Brush a glass pan with 1 tablespoon of the melted butter and sprinkle it with sugar.

In a large bowl combine the eggs, cream, brown sugar, vanilla, salt and nutmeg.  Stir in the remaining butter and the raisin/not bugs and brandy mixture.  Gently add in the bread and carefully swish it around.  Let it sit for about 15 minutes or until all the juice is soaked up.

Transfer it to the buttered and sugared baking dish and bake it at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes OR until a knife stuck in the middle comes out clean.

Now you need to make the sauce.

It requires:

1/2 cup of brown sugar
2 tablespoons of cornstarch
Dash of salt
3/4 cup of cold water
1 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
MORE brandy, but just a little.  Maybe 1/4 cup.

Just combine the brown sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a small saucepan and gradually add the water and brandy.  For the love of sugar, KEEP STIRRING IT.  You want to be sure the cornstarch isn't "lumping up" like your Aunt Edna's gravy.  Bring it to a boil and continue stirring for 2 minutes or until it is thickened up.  Remove from heat and stir in the butter and vanilla extract.

Some people say you should serve this on the side as a sauce.  I say to hell with that.  Dump it right on top and let it soak in.  If you make this a day ahead as I did, the sauce will turn into a caramel-ly type topping and be extra delicious.  Just reheat it in the oven or nuke it for a few seconds prior to serving.

Nutritional Info:  High treadmill alert.  When cut into 12 pieces, 1 piece is about 350 calories and 15 grams of fat.   Cut it into smaller pieces and eat two.  You'll feel better about yourself.  No, that doesn't make any sense.  That's not my fault.

*****

I'm off to bake a huge batch of my organic, vegan dog treats.  I made a batch about three weeks ago and have been giving them to people and demand has set in.  Now if I could just keep my dogs from staring at the oven while they bake...