Lemon Rosemary Roasted Chicken, a Treatment Update, and Other Random Nonsense

Oh.  Hi there!  ((Waves vigorously.))  I got distracted again.  I swear, I don't have ADD/ADHD, I've just been incredibly busy... back to doing some legal stuff part-time, doing a couple of freelance writing gigs, adopting a pit bull (or maybe I should say she adopted me), FINALLY resolving my horrendous back pain, having my wallet stolen...  You know, the normal course of events.

This situation with my lower back had gotten completely and totally out of control.  Finally, after 6 straight MONTHS of it being at a Level 9 I Want to Chop My Leg Off Just to Make It Feel Better, without so much as a single minute where it wasn't basically excruciating, I found the answer.  I started treatment at a place which specializes in athletic injuries.  I knew I was in the right place when the words I heard most outside of the normal "physical therapy" speak were "gymnastics," "jiu-jitsu," and "MMA."  After the first treatment, I had 2 glorious minutes of being completely pain-free.  After the second treatment, two hours, at which point I declared that the doctors there were all getting lap dances for Christmas.  After the third, it was back down to intermittent, with several hours of being pain-free in a row, but the peaks weren't even holding a candle to what I had been having at the BEST moments previously.  At this point, it is SO much better than I'm really only fighting with it for a little bit in the morning.  My liver wrote me a nice card saying thanks for not pumping me full of painkillers, you rotten bitch, you're lucky I have the capacity for regeneration.

((If you're lost, I wrecked myself in gymnastics at the age of 12 with a complete hamstring tear out of the origin, a ruptured disc, and a fractured vertebrae.  It has been bad on and off for the last, ahem, some number of years, but this went completely batshit insane and was far worse than when I actually broke it.))

Let me just tell you:  Nothing wrecks your life like being unable to walk, sit, stand, or lay down without throbbing pain.  Jeezus.

Anyway...  

Deb's birthday was last week and Sunday night I went out to make dinner for her and a friend.  I ended up making Lemon Rosemary Roasted Chicken.  Recipe adapted slightly from The Pioneer Woman.

Looks fancy, no?

What you need:

1 FRESH whole chicken
1 stick of softened butter
4 springs rosemary
3 lemons
Salt and pepper

Ready? Go:

Preheat the oven to 400.

Open up the chicken and remove the giblets.  Yes, this is completely revolting.  I know.  Power through it.  Rinse the chicken inside and out with cold water, contemplate whether you are really a vegetarian after all, and then pat dry with paper towels.

Line a baking dish with aluminum foil and spray with a nonstick spray.

Realize you forgot to soften the butter and stick it in the microwave for about 15-20 seconds.

Chop the rosemary leaves from ONE sprig as finely as you can.  Add that to the butter.  Zest two lemons ((being careful not to get the white stuff)) and throw it on the butter/rosemary mixture.

Stir to combine.

Using your hands, spread the buttery gooey goodness all over the chicken, getting it into all the nooks and crannies and feel slightly dirty while doing so.  ((Wash your hands with dish soap to cut the grease quickly.  You're welcome.))

Squeeze the juice of one lemon all over the chicken.  Crack some salt and pepper over it as well.

Now slice the other two lemons in half and cram them and the remaining rosemary springs ((whole)) into the chicken cavity.  ((You may not be able to get it all in.  TWSS.))

Roast uncovered for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

Remove from oven, cover loosely with aluminum foil, and allow to rest for 10 minutes.  Carve it up ((or hack the living shit out of it, whatever)) and serve.

*****

So that's it!  Talk to you tomorrow or next week or maybe in November!

Chile Lime Chicken, Microwave Sweet Corn, and Cilantro Butter

I still maintain that it is too hot to cook, BUT I am officially over the cereal straight from the box routine.  Over it.  However, as frequently happened, this seemingly simple idea turned into a "what the hell do I do now?" moment.

The chicken is a total cheat, but I have an explanation...  I was given a Williams Sonoma gift card for my birthday ((Thanks, Jimmy!)) and in an attempt to use the remaining four dollars on it after I got some REALLY good stuff, I ended up buying one of their spice rub thingys.  All you do is to throw a cup or so of breadcrumbs with 3-4 tablespoons of their Chile Lime Spice Rub into a baggie and toss it around until it is fairly uniform in color.  I then just threw the chicken in there ((no egg wash required)), tossed it, and threw it in the oven for 45 minutes at 350 degrees.  Easy.

The picture sucks because the pool guy who has more than a slight resemblance to Mr. Belding showed up and I didn't have the gall to take food out to photograph in front of him.  Oops.

About 20 minutes before the chicken would be done, I put on a huge pot of water to boil.  When I went back to check on the boilitude ((that's a word, eff off spell check)), I found the pot was full of foam.  Uhhhh... Well, I had used that pot to boil a huge batch of Chinese herbs to make a tincture for my back.  That concoction smelled like a combination of Christmas, despair, and a flop house.  I soaked that damn pot for days to get rid of the residue.  And then more days.  And then I scrubbed it some more.  Then it soaked for another week.  I'm afraid whatever medicinal properties ((and contact high)) I got from the "treatment" may have resulted in ruining the stock pot.  Oh well.  

At this point, there is now 6 minutes left for the chicken so I quickly googled if you can microwave sweet corn and if so, how.  Basically, you shuck the corn, wrap it tightly in paper towels, and nuke it for 5 minutes.  I have to say, it turned out pretty well.  It didn't get quite the same golden color as when you boil it, but it was perfectly edible.

I then basted it with a cilantro butter.  Melt the butter and chop up a LOT of cilantro into really small pieces or until you get annoyed with it.  Add it to the melted butter and let it all seep together for a while.  Brush it on the corn with a basting brush.  

*****

All righty... I need to quickly finish up some freelance work.  Happy Wednesday!  Or Happy Whatever Day You Read This! 

Margarita Chicken, Reorganizing, and Mischief

I'm back.  Well, I didn't really go anywhere, but regardless, I'm back.  After a long day on my feet on Sunday cooking for the Mothers' Day French Ambition Tour and a repeat of that Monday morning, I declared Monday afternoon/evening a work-free zone.  All I did during that 12 hours was finish two freelance projects, research what we are referring to as the World Domination Project ((evil laugh here,)) and have a text conversation about absolutely nothing which required in excess of 50 sent messages.  Time well spent.  

The seemingly never-ending political campaign ended last night with the victory toasted with Roger Clyne's Mexican Moonshine.  ((Only four people were being actively babysat after said toast, so that's a decent ratio.))  It got me thinking...  we should make tequila lime chicken.  Alas, my plans were slightly thrown off course when I discovered I didn't actually have tequila ((which if you have seen my bar that should lead to a major, "What? The? Fuck?"))  SkinnyGirl Margaritas to the rescue.

SkinnyGirl Margarita Chicken

What you need:

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

1/4 cup of my personal hero Bethenny Frankel's SkinnyGirl Margarita

1/2 cup of orange juice

1 huge squeeze of lime

Dashes of the following: sea salt, chili pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, dried parsley, and black pepper

What to do:

Place the chicken breasts in a glass bowl, stab it repeatedly with a fork ((you can mutter your ex's name, your boss's name, or whoever's name while you do this for free therapy points,)) and then dump everything else in.  Mix it around a little of that the meat is covered with a little bit of everything.  Cover with some form of cling wrap and refrigerate for at least a half an hour, but as long as overnight.  

When you are ready to eat, preheat your grill on at maximum heat.  When it is really fracking hot, throw the breasts on the grill and let them sear on BLAST ((a real setting, remember?)) for one minute on each side.  Reduce the heat to a nice medium and let cook for approximately 4-5 minutes on each side.  Do not flip them a million times!  After the searing, once is seriously enough.  Over-flipping is what dries them out.  Stop it.  Also, no re-marinating!  Once it is on the grill, it is marinated enough.  Adding more marinade just increases your contamination risk.  Feel free to sprinkle on more spices if you like though.  That's allowed.

Grilling times will vary based on how hot your medium is and how big your breasts are.  Ahem.  ((I can't help myself.  Every single time.  I'm such a child.))  Test them with a meat thermometer ((I never do this, I like to live dangerously)) or slice into the thickest part of one to check for doneness.

This is delicioso as is, or you can top it with a little bit of shredded Mexican cheese, some diced avocado, tomato and/or chopped cilantro.  I'm doing pinto beans on the side, but black beans or even refried beans ((if you hate your waistline)) would be good additions.  

Nutritional Info:  For a 4 ounce serving of chicken, approximately 230 calories and 5 or so grams of fat.  Win!

*****

This is probably of interest to almost no one, but I recently reorganized my kitchen and it has reduced my aggravation about a gzillion percent.  Now keep in mind, I cook every day, frequently for more than a couple of hours and twice a week or so, in 8 hour spurts.  However, if you are frustrated with never being able to find the spices you want or if you can't reach the olive oil you use 4 times a week, move it!  It seems like a chore, but really, it only takes a couple of minutes.  The things you use the most need to be in your reach.  Make your life easier!

*****

Lately a lot of people have been asking for quick, light recipes.  I aim to serve, so stay tuned!  

*****

I'm off to get re-blondified and then create a little mischief...  

Easy Chicken Pasta, The Zone, and Cupcake Wars

I spent four hours yesterday blazing through about 250 pages of my nutritional fitness texts and completing the mandatory quizzes.  My brain is officially on overload.  What has really surprised me about it is that the material is MUCH more dense than I had realized.  The writers/editors/whoevers do not seem to follow much logic in terms of actually defining terms (or acronyms for that matter) prior to just throwing a whole crapload of information out.  I'm also getting nervous that the text is pretty dated...  I'm pretty sure The Zone is not a new trend.  Argh.  Oh well.  Learn it to get certified and then the continuing ed classes had better be more impressive or my money is going elsewhere.

All that reading about nutritional deficiencies led to making a healthy, quick dinner.  Chicken Pasta with Broccoli and Asparagus.  This pasta has no real sauce per se, making it a really clean, yet still flavorful, dish that actually tastes like what it is.

What you need for 2 huge servings or 4 small servings:

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 cup of pasta ((use whatever you like...  I had this gemelli left))
1 head of broccoli ((or about 2 cups))
10 or so asparagus stalks
2 tablespoons of EVOO ((extra virgin olive oil))
1/4 c of chicken broth
1/4 c of diced onion
1 clove of garlic, minced
Lemon
Black pepper
Parmesan

What to do:

Boil the water for the pasta and cook it according to the package directions.  When finished, drain in a colander.

While that is coming to a boil, heat up a skillet over medium heat with a drizzle of EVOO in it.  Add the chopped onions and garlic and cook for about 4-5 minutes, until the onions are becoming translucent.

While that is cooking, cut the chicken breasts in small pieces.  ((Always be sure to use a separate, designated cutting board for raw meats!  XO, the Salmonella Fairy))  Add them to pan and sautee them around until they are cooked through, about 5 minutes.

Trim the asparagus ((see below)) and chop it into smaller pieces and then "tree" the broccoli.  Add them to the pan with a little bit of chicken broth.  Cover and allow to cook until the broccoli is bright green, stirring it every so often.  I like asparagus "tender-crisp," meaning not turned to mush.  I only let this steam for about 3 minutes.

Tip for asparagus:  You do need to remove the woody stem at the bottom.  Luckily, if you bend a raw piece of asparagus, it will snap exactly where it needs to in order to remove that part.  Mother Nature is one crafty bitch.

Mix together with your drained pasta.  Add another splash of olive oil, a huge squeeze of lemon, crack some black pepper on top, and throw on a little Parmesan.  Done!  This would also be excellent served cold as a salad the next day if it makes it that long.

Nutritional Info:  For 1/4 cup of the pasta and about 4 ounces of the chicken breasts with lite cheese, let's call it about 350 calories.  Victory!

*****

All righty.  I have a menu to finalize for a birthday party on Friday.  The debate is currently raging between White Russian Cupcakes ((with kahlua and vodka)) or Bailey's Irish Creme Cupcakes.  I'm leaning toward just making both and waiting to see what jackassery unfolds.

Barbecue Chicken, Grilled Pineapple, and Fan Mail

Well, well, well...  Somehow, over 3,000 times, people have been silly enough to come back for more of my inane ramblings.  When I started playing around here, mainly as a cooking journal for myself, I never IMAGINED that anyone else other than maybe my mother and a stalker or two would care to read along.  So, you.  Yeah, you.  Thanks for playing!  ((I even got hate mail.  I was so excited!!  Um, don't send me hate mail though.  Send me massage gift certificates.  You can even tell me to go to hell on the card.  I don't care.))

*****

Some times the best things are the simplest things.  After scaring everyone ((including myself)) with the bechamel yesterday, let's do something easy and accessible, shall we?  Barbecue chicken and pineapple on the grill.

I have been told on more than one occasion that people have trouble getting chicken to still be tender when they have grilled it; either it is totally dried out or not done or just kind of generally effed up.  There are a few little tricks that I use, but this is, as usual, totally unscientific.

First off, use decent chicken!  I personally buy Trader Joe's* organic/free range boneless/skinless chicken breasts.  They aren't pumped full of chemicals/hormones and have less "filler" ((typically water)) added to amp up the weight.  However, typically, you need to re-trim them to get some of the extra fat off, but that's no big deal.   ((*I have sadly most definitely not been compensated by TJ's for my endorsement.  But their people can contact my people--shit, I have no people--me to work out a very favorable agreement to me.))

Once you have cleaned up the chicken, stab it with a fork a few times all over so the marinade can soak in.  Throw it into a gallon baggie with a big squeeze of marinade.  I usually make my own, but some days are just not conducive to that, so let's cheat.  I like Lawry's Mesquite 30-Minute Marinade.  It smells smoky and like a bottle of yum.  I would probably drink it.  The Jack Daniels' marinades are quite good as well, but you will definitely think you should drink those, so just be forewarned.   Throw the baggie ((tightly sealed, please and thank you)) in the refrigerator for at least a half hour, but longer would be better.

Heat up your grill for about 5 minutes on BLAST <--a real setting.  This will burn off any leftover crap and make sure the actual grill part is good and hot.  Remove the chicken to a small plate and just this once take your brush and put some of the marinade from the bag over the chicken.  Seal up the bag and throw it away. I don't care how much is in there.  It's garbage.  It has raw chicken juice in it.

Put the chicken on the grill, still on blast, and flip it after 60 seconds.  In another 60 seconds, flip it again to the original side.  Now reduce the heat to medium and leave it alone.  Keep the cover closed and wander off for 4 minutes.  In 4 minutes, you can flip it again and let it go another 3-4 minutes.  You do not need to keep basting it and re-basting it.  It has plenty of the marinade already!  If you must, you can do it once after you flip it, but you had damn well better be using a different brush and marinade from a different, clean bowl.  But seriously, it isn't needed.  ((Obviously, the times may vary based on the size of your breasts -- had to, sorry -- and how medium your medium is on the grill.  I'm talking about a pretty standardized 6-8 ounce piece.  You should probably test it with a meat thermometer or at the very least, cut into the middle to assess doneness.))

Remove the chicken to a new, clean plate.  If you put it back on the plate you took it out on, you just dunked it in raw chicken juice.  Even if it looks clean and dry, that's just not good enough.  Seriously, quit doing that.  I'm rarely picky about things, but this, this is enough to get me all riled up.  ((Side note: that is striking me as funny because I have used a meat thermometer exactly four times in my life and here I am preaching about salmonella.  I'm a hypocrite.  Disregard.))

One other thing I like to do, which I, of course, discovered by accident, is put the pineapple slices on the rack directly above the chicken.  They both get done at about the same time ((assuming you use pretty thick slices)) and the pineapple juice drips down for a little extra something on the chicken.  More free deliciousness!

*****

All right, I'm off.  I have a couple of minutes of work-work yet this afternoon ((which is feeling less like work-work now that it isn't really my work)) and then making The Best F*cking Chicken Ever, Parmesan risotto, and maybe roasted brussel sprouts for a dinner delivery this evening.    

Crockpot Chicken with Carrots and Cauliflower, Chalkboards, and Chores

Busy, busy day.  Most of it self-inflicted.  I knew given the pace I was keeping at 11 am that dinner was going to end up being microwave popcorn if I didn't act early.  I elected to fire up ye olde slow cooker to be sure that didn't happen.

Chicken, Carrots, Cauliflower, and C(P)otatoes.  I wanted them all to start with C. 

This is incredibly simple, but so, so good.

What you need:
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
4 potatoes, sliced
4 carrots, sliced
1/2 head of cauliflower, tree-ed ((you know what I mean))
1 red pepper, chopped
Steak seasoning
Parmesan

What you do:

Spray your slow cooker/crock pot with cooking spray.  Throw in the chicken first ((it can be frozen even)) and then add all the chopped veggies.  Sprinkle the top with steak seasoning.  Set it to high for 4 hours or low for 8 hours.  IT IS THAT EASY.  You don't even need to stir it.  When it is done, sprinkle a little Parmesan on top.

But what you get is incredibly healthy and flavorful with no butter, no sauce, no oil, and incredibly good.  This is forkable chicken, no knife required.  It also reheats really well.

 
Makes four servings.  Nutritional info:  Sainthood!  Approximately 320 calories, 2 grams of fat (not including the cheese on top.)

*****

So what was I so busy doing?  Work-work, 5 different errands, planning a vegan/vegetarian menu for a bachelorette brunch which was a bit of a challenge, but a fun one, finalizing stuff for the fundraiser on Saturday, making shopping lists, a bunch of chores, an hour of yoga, dealing with a bunch of crap mail and email, scoring/ordering another hundred dollars in free kitchen stuff for a grand total now of $900 in FREE stuff, and going off on a creative tangent.

I had the idea to make menu boards for these various events, but I wanted to use a chalkboard so I could reuse them, blah blah blah, uninteresting reasons, blah.  So I took off for the craft store with nothing more than a vague idea and put myself in the capable hands of someone who clearly doesn't read past a 4th grade level.  AWESOME.  Anyway, I left with things that I thought would fulfill my own amorphous ((I hope I'm using that right)) ideas, came back, did some spray painting, managed not to spray paint myself or the dogs, and they are done!  Apparently you have to wait 24 hours for them to "cure" which is of course, killing me.  I am not good at delayed gratification.  I'll post a picture tomorrow.  If this works, I'm a damn genius.  If not, it is the 4th grade reading ability girl's fault.

*****

There has been a lot of new traffic around here.  ((Waves vigorously at the new people!!))  Feel free to say hi...  Off to do some studying.     

Lemon-Butter Crusted Chicken, Real Titles, and Correspondence School

Real Title:  THE BEST F*CKING CHICKEN EVER.  ((Waves vigorously to the relatives who are just oh-so-proud right now.  Sorry.  Not really.))

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.  Sort of.

I know I toot my own horn a lot, I do have at least a degree from a correspondence school in shameless self-promotion, but seriously, this is the best thing ever.  I did not make all of it up, but if I did, I would walk around with a tattoo on my chest that reads, "I invented the best f*cking chicken ever."  I would then buy new boobs with the money I made from my chicken empire so more people would see that tattoo and then do something about world hunger, obviously.  ((No, I'm not a little manic, why do you ask?!))  Anyway, run, do not walk, to make this so you can chime in and I can sound less like a jackhole.

The pictures don't do this justice.

Disclaimer:  This is going to look and sound hard.  It is not.  My "student" ((that makes me laugh)) who I don't think had ever even made chicken that wasn't served in a bucket by the Colonel did this and so can you.  We are going to go slow, but it only takes about ten minutes to prep.  I swear.

What you need:

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

1/2 cup of flour

Salt and pepper

1 tablespoons EVOO

3 tablespoon butter

2 eggs

1 lemon

1/3 cup fresh grated Parmesan

2 cloves of garlic, minced

2 slices of Proscuitto

1/2 can of artichoke hearts

2 tablespoons of capers

What you do:

Preheat the oven to 350.

Place the flour and a few cracks of both sea salt and pepper into a gallon sized baggie and set it aside for a second.  In a pie pan, beat two eggs and then add the Parmesan.  Stir it around a little so the Parmesan is mixed in with the eggs.

Put the olive oil and 1 tablespoon of butter in a large, FLAT skillet or frying pan.  Let it melt and get sizzle-y but for God's sake, watch it.  You do NOT want the butter to brown so pay attention.  

While that is getting sizzle-y, take your chicken breasts and throw them in the baggie with the flour.  Shake them around until they are coated.  Pull them out of the bag, one by one, and dip them in the egg mixture.  Throw them in the sizzle-y pan and let them go for only about 90 seconds to 2 minutes per side.  DO NOT F*CK WITH THEM.  Just let them be and don't move them around.  We are NOT trying to cook them, so don't worry.  After two minutes, they will flip over easily and there will be a nice, golden crust on them.   Do the other side and then remove them to a plate.

In that same pan, melt the two remaining tablespoons of butter.  Add the minced garlic and the juice from a lemon.  Let it simmer for about 2 minutes, scraping up the brown stuff from the bottom of the pan.

While that is simmering, take 2 pieces of foil that are like 8 inches long and arrange them in a baking dish, side by side.  Spray them very, very lightly with cooking spray and then place a chicken breast in each one.  Fold up the edges of the foil a little bit to start making a packet.  Pour the sauce you just made into the packets.  

Now add a slice of proscuitto to each packet.  Throw some lightly chopped artichoke hearts on top of that and a tablespoon of capers.  They are going to be rolling around and falling off, that's okay.  Throw a little bit more of the grated Parmesan on top and then add a very, very, very thin slice of lemon to the top.  Wad up the top of the foil to make it a packet.  It doesn't not need to be super tight.  In fact, I think the one that didn't quite close up entirely might have been the best.  ((This is the part I did make up.))

Bake them for 35 minutes.  At 35 minutes, pull them out and open up the packets.  Put them back in the oven for another 5 minutes.  Pull them out and prepare to die happy.

The chicken literally falls apart and doesn't require a knife.  So, so good.  Serve with some roasted asparagus and some plain long-grained rice.  The rice will pick up the extra juices from the chicken and you will look like you are some kind of a superstar.  You will also be pissed at all the money you have wasted on dried out chicken at restaurants.

You're welcome.